Phil Tonseth ‘22
Production Editor
After landmark negotiations, ESPN’s “The Ocho” and UVA Law’s North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) have agreed to terms to broadcast the upcoming fall softball season to a national audience. While contract terms have yet to be announced, sources believe ESPN has agreed to provide a keg per game and fruit snacks after, in a backhanded effort to ensure the possibility of “dizzy bat” occurring on air. Critics were quick to bash this deal claiming that “NGSL is a non-profit, why should they benefit off of the indentured servitude of law students who play for their enjoyment?” In a terse and pithy response, both organizations issued a combined statement that “the complaining non-athletes are able to either transfer to a lesser law school that’s neither as fun nor sporty or call up their parents to yell at them for not enrolling them in tee-ball when they were young sports.”
“It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works for UVA Law.” Photo Courtesy of espnpressroom.com.
NGSL, a 501(c)(3) non-profit, is working to shed the degenerate persona that the Law School has aptly applied to it. Each year, the UVA Law Softball Invitational donates over $20,000 to a local charity, ReadyKids. This amount is rivaled only by the amount of beer cans collected after the aforementioned tournament, but who’s really counting? In a true show of community and care for those around them, NGSL consistently ensures that they recycle all of these cans and further donate the paltry proceeds to the Public Interest Law Association (PILA). The partnership with ESPN is another way for NGSL to work to give back to the Charlottesville community, as local organizations are lining up to advertise. Although over 75 percent of these advertisements will concern alcohol, fried food, or male enhancement products, eerily resembling our beloved Nascar,[1] NGSL is excited these sponsors will be donating additional funds both to ReadyKids and PILA, which NGSL plans to take all of the credit for.
Pictured: Proof that NGSL actually has some use around UVA Law. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu.
The timing of this deal could not be more perfect for the sports world. With the ‘Rona destroying everything we knew and love,[2] NGSL and The Ocho are a perfect marriage to excite the average household over a sport most washed-up dads still think they can play. However, there is a sense of dissension amongst those who frequent Copeley Field. Players on Men’s Gold, the premier tournament team for UVA Law, had opinions ranging from “I have mixed feelings. Ocho coverage brings new faces to the game, but maybe the association with cornhole and chess boxing is not great for branding? Probably not going on my clerkship resume,” to “Macey Colbert, ’19 and former NSGL Commissioner, would never have let this happen.” In a terse, yet valid, rebuttal, current NGSL Commissioner and Captain of the Co-Rec Blue tournament team, Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 replied, “If Macey Colbert is the gold standard, Men's Gold has even bigger problems than the fact that Co-Rec Blue beat you in regular season.” A petition has been circulated to allow current 3Ls to return to UVA Law for the fall semester so that the above war of words can be hashed out on Copeley for a national audience.
In lieu of the upcoming season, NGSL and the Ocho have provided recommendations for those teams that will be competing. First, use the time off this summer, as that clerkship/summer associate position will be canceled from the ‘Rona, to get a tan. Seriously, nobody wants to see you looking pasty on national television. Next, spend all of the money you aren’t earning over this summer on short shorts and crop tops. The camera definitely adds ten pounds, on top of all of the pounds you’ve gained in quarantine, so you’ll need to do yourself all of the favors you can. Plus, a good breeze to the midsection really provides a boost when you’re losing miserably on national television. Lastly, overly condition your hair. With barbershops and salons shuttered, the Ocho knows it will have an overabundance of luscious locks this fall. Make sure they flow, shine, and dazzle the camera, whether you’re jogging the bases after a homerun, or jogging to the porta-john after too many Naturdays. This partnership is once in a lifetime, don’t miss the chance to shoot your best shot, UVA Law.
Happy April Fools’ Day!
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu