Phil Tonseth ‘22
Editor-in-Chief
COVID-19, while in retreat, is still wreaking havoc on UVA Law and the North Ground Softball League (NGSL). For the second consecutive year, the Administration has ordered that NGSL cancel any plans for a national softball tournament, which NGSL hosts to raise over $20,000 for ReadyKids charity.[1] Claiming their hands are tied by University-wide policies, the Administration offered little to no help to NGSL for its philanthropic endeavors. Undeterred by this rejection, NGSL challenged the Administration to a softball scrimmage on Copeley Field, whereby the winner would determine the fate of this year’s tournament. Solely to shut up NGSL, and buoyed by a desire to finally get a tan, the Administration accepted, and the game was scheduled for March 30th.
On an unrelated note, the Administration concurrently announced the hiring of three new faculty members when the scrimmage time was finalized. Heading these hires is Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) as Dean of Bombs. Two Associate Deans were also brought in to assist A-Rod, named Bawwy Bonds and Sami Sosa. While it is entirely unclear what these new hires will work on, the Administration was quick to advocate and celebrate their new positions with UVA Law.
Courtesy of Twitter.com
With the game time set, each team had to work on building its most fearsome lineup. Itching to go back to old times, NGSL loaded its team with current 3L players who frequently roam Copeley on Friday afternoons. From a steady hand in Brian Lee Patterson, to a smooth swinging Griffey look-alike in Will Hinton, the men of the NGSL team covered all of the bases. Not to be outdone, and arguably bringing even more skill to the team, the ladies of NGSL included the versatile Katharine Janes, the lightning quick Kat Goebel, and the home run hitter Elizabeth Lapp. On paper, this lineup had the potential to turn the contest against the Administration into a rout.
Not to be outdone, the Administration brought their own A-team. Leading the team, Ruth Payne guaranteed she would bring the pain to the NGSL twerps who thought they would win. Vice Dean Leslie Kendrick was excited to be able to show NGSL first-hand what an intentional infliction of emotional distress looked like. Former Dean Paul Mahoney served as the trusty and reliable manager, maximizing the various talents from across the Administration’s ranks. And yes, Dean A-Rod and his associates Bawwy and Sami also joined.
With lineups set, the game began in a huff. Dean Risa Goluboff, serving as a neutral observer and umpire, was quickly put to the test. With the Administration bringing in the LRW ringer Joe Fore as its pitcher, he worked fast to strike out the NGSL squad in the first inning. Will Hinton would have none of that nonsense though, as he clobbered a moonshot that helped bulldoze the final remaining wall of the Inn at Darden that had yet to be demolished. Not to be deterred, Vice Dean Kendrick made a diving play in the outfield to end the inning, taking away what was sure to be an inside-the-park home run by NGSL’s Kat Goebel.
With the Administrator’s turn to bat, Dean Mahoney integrated the new hires[2] with the seasoned vets. Living up to her reputation, Ruth Payne blasted the first pitch right between Reuben Brooks and Ethan Silverman, giving the Administration a leadoff triple. As you could’ve probably guessed, Bawwy Bonds attempted, but couldn’t out-do NGSL’s Will Hinton’s home run. While Bawwy hit the chain-link fence in the air and thus tied the score, NGSL was still in high spirits that it had kept Big-Biceps-Bawwy from upstaging one of its own.
The game was back and forth over the next five innings, as NGSL fought tooth and nail in order to bring back its beloved tournament. Not wanting to bend to popular student will, the Administration used every trick in the book to put down this movement, aiming to keep their stranglehold on NGSL’s ability to operate a shadow government around the school. Going into the final inning, NGSL was winning 20-19. With one out left to get, NGSL felt confident when they saw Dean Jason Dugas walk to the plate, believing he would not be able to hit a home run and score both himself and Professor Anne Coughlin from third. Always a step ahead, however, Dean Mahoney played his final card. He inserted himself into the lineup, and, in a move reminiscent of the great Babe Ruth, pointed his bat directly at Darden exclaiming “it’s time all of you NGSL members show some consideration for your elders.”[3] Not believing Dean Mahoney could fully swing a bat in his pristine three-piece suit, a pitch was lobbed in directly down the middle of the plate. The rest is history.
It pains me to say that NGSL will not be hosting its annual tournament this year. On one hand, NGSL is grateful for this abdication of its responsibilities. Following the loss, it no longer had to pretend to care about what they could do for charity, instead, turning its focus back to drinking copious amounts of alcohol in the secret society lair that it keeps. Conversely, having to listen to everyone now validly state that NGSL is a bunch of washed-up athletes stung a little bit. Guess it’s time for both teams to hit the bottle, hoping next year will be better.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu