Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Satire Editor
Following the screaming success of the School’s implementation of spring break, we are now seeing the dawn of an even more ambitious project here at the University of Virginia School of Law. In regard to this project, high-ranking individuals from Student Affairs have been heard making claims as bold as “this summer break will revolutionize vacation across the legal field,” and “UVA Law has once again proven itself to be the most innovative and forward-thinking legal institution in the world.” So, what is this new project which finds itself at the forefront of administrative procedure the world over?
The idea? Summer break—but hear me out—implemented almost solely through four-day-weekends. I know I’m not the only one clapping right now. To be precise, each weekend of the summer will be a four-day weekend, some weeks with a Monday/Tuesday break, others with a Thursday/Friday break. However, as the school announced, it is important to keep in mind while planning any trips (which necessarily must be short in order to accommodate a return within four days) that throughout the summer there will be only one Wednesday allotted to the students.
The school has yet to decide which Wednesday is the most appropriate for a break day; however, they have released their stated criteria for the decision, which are as follows: (1) which faculty birthdays fall on Wednesdays; (2) the level of seniority of the faculty members whose birthdays fall on Wednesdays; (3) which of the faculty members whose birthday falls on a Wednesday is likely to throw the best birthday party; and (4) which of the Wednesday-birthday faculty would be the cheapest to shop for, and conversely, which would be the most expensive. All of these criteria factor heavily into consideration; however, the school has declined to comment on whether any one of the criteria outweighs the others. Suffice it to say, students should be on the lookout for a significant birthday-bash on whatever Wednesday the faculty decides to give to themselves the students.
The school has cited a few lines of reasoning in support of this change. Perhaps the most compelling is the claim that some at the Law School “sometimes feel lonely” during the summer and that “a good way” to stop that would be to “restrict travel by beginning the fall semester in mid-May and incorporating summer break into it slowly through December.” The Dean responsible for these statements requested the comments remain anonymous, and the Virginia Law Weekly declines to expand on who, in particular, feels the horrible anguish of loneliness at the Law School during the summer. The Office of the Dean of Students did, however, request that the Law Weekly include a short statement on the immense popularity and incredible number of friends of The Office generally, and as such, this is that statement.
Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the strongest support for this change has come not from the administration, but from an organization here at UVA Law—the notorious Federalist Society. Claiming that this change embodies the ideals of federalism, specifically vertical separation of powers, this school’s FedSoc chapter has extolled this idea as being “better than anything [they] ever could have come up with.” Their specific reasoning for these strong sentiments? FedSoc sees this move from the School as embodying the federalist principle of allowing State (schools) to operate as laboratories for innovation and subsequently, the betterment of “our historically great nation.” As such, the sight of UVA Law taking on the mantle of innovation in such a flagrant and bold manner, for better or worse, has sufficiently titillated our FedSoc peers to the point of ardent support. And, again for better or for worse, if FedSoc supports it at this school, it’s here to stay.
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jtp4bw@virginia.edu