Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Co-Executive Editor
A new study, published by the American Society for Testing and Materials[1] (ATSM), has revealed a remarkable new fact–The North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) officially has the biggest, softest, and most magnificent balls in the world.
This revelation comes after years of speculation on who truly held the title. Multiple parties have argued that they, in fact, were the owners of the biggest, softest, and most magnificent balls. The New England Patriots, the Cavaliers Basketball team, and finally, the residents of the Thomson House, all firmly believed that they were the owners of the BSMM balls.[2] However, the ATSM did more than just declare a victor–they definitively ranked the claimants.
In a shocking turn after their recent performance in the NIT, the Cavaliers managed to pull off an upset, landing themselves a second-place finish, albeit by a close margin. The Patriots were tight on their heels in third. Unfortunately for the Pats, however, deflate-gate really hurt the size-factor of their balls. Coming in dead last, the ATSM said, was Thomson House’s “paltry balls.” The ATSM concluded by saying, however, that given a few more years of research and development, the Thomson boys could certainly have some magnificent balls of their own to submit for consideration.
After the study was released, the school’s community was ablaze with deans, professors, and students all fawning over the organization’s incredible balls. And, while none of the faculty have officially come forward to remark on the study, a few have spoken up anonymously.
Pictured Here: Phil Tonseth '22 gripping his magnificent balls
“Now listen,” one faculty member said, “my husband takes good care of his things. His soccer balls? Pristine. His footballs? Immaculate. Sure, his golf balls are a little on the small side, and d*mn are they hard. But he’s certainly no slouch.” At this point, the faculty member paused and looked around furtively, making sure their husband wasn’t within earshot. “But they’re just nothing compared to those gaudy, yellow, thicc balls they’ve got in those sheds. I didn’t know anything like those even existed before coming here. I didn’t know they could exist.”
In fact, individuals across the community have all reacted to the news differently. Those more well-adjusted folk who enjoy softball more for the drinking, camaraderie, and the opportunity to get outside merely continued on with their lives. The less-well-adjusted folks who never once set foot on a softball field during their time here[3] also continued life as normal, more because they couldn’t be bothered to stay up to date on the study and no one figured it would be worth it to engage with them about it in the first place. On the other end of the spectrum of “less-well-adjusted folks,” the softball fanatics have been trotting around the law school like they own the place ever since the release.[4] Finally, one dean was seen stuffing his pockets with softballs. The Virginia Law Weekly does not know why, nor does it wish to find out.
The Law Weekly’s NGSL correspondent, Phil Tonseth, reached out to the organization with some questions regarding just what it does to get its balls so d*mn soft, magnificent, and large. Apparently, quite a lot.
The first step, the organization said, is to sort through the balls you’ve purchased to find the cream of the crop. Only then do you move on to step two: the massage. New inductees spend at least 4 hours a week massaging individual balls until they’re primed to perfection–it is only then that the true softness of their softballs begins to shine through. Next, NGSL lackeys wash their balls, first with hot water (to open the pores and reveal any impurities) and then with cold water (to close everything back up). This step is crucial–too hot and you risk burning your balls, too cold and the shock will cause the softball to shrivel up into something resembling more of a yellowish, hard, prune. Finally, and most importantly, is the gentle foaming scrub. After the multi-temp washing, a final rinse is done, this time with water pulled directly from Thomas Jefferson’s personal well. Then, a foaming scrub, the recipe for which is kept under lock and code in the NGSL shed at Copeley, is lathered onto the balls by at least three, but no more than five, new members, while two senior staffers oversee the process. It is this final phase that allows for the softness of the balls while also retaining their magnificent coloration, vivacity, and durability that we all know and love.
So, what’s next for NGSL now that they’ve received this accolade? The answer to that is what you might expect: nothing. They’ve got a tried-and-true method, and they’ve assured us at the Law Weekly that they’ll be sticking with it. We’ll continue to receive the balls we know and love, with nary a change in sight.
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jtp4bw@virginia.edu
[1] https://www.astm.org/
[2] Barristers United apparently felt confident enough in their balls to not enter the running. As such, the softness, magnificence, and magnitude of their balls have yet to be properly tested by science. Based on pure conjecture, I’d imagine they’d give NGSL a serious run for their money.
[3] Looking at some of you, VLR.
[4] Is that really anything new though?