“First of all, I haven’t seen a single [expletive] teacup,” observes one first-year student
Kristen Ridgway ‘19
Guest Satirist
CHARLOTTESVILLE – As exams approach, first-year students at the purported “Disneyland of Law Schools” are searching for secluded locations to cry on grounds, having concluded that law school is nothing more than an absolute anxiety-ridden hellscape.
“When I was choosing among schools, the whole ‘Disneyland of law schools’ thing tipped the scales in favor of UVA,” said Colin Smith ’21, who recently broke a blood vessel in his eye after watching an Instagram story in which a section mate showed off her nearly-finished outlines. “If this is Disneyland, my god… what is Harvard like?!”
In lieu of regularly-scheduled appointments, the entire staff of the Office of Career Services has fled Charlottesville for the remainder of the semester, leaving behind nothing but a single copy of the school's ABA Employment Summary Report that indicates average employment levels of 97.4 percent. In the margins, a handwritten message apparently scrawled by a staff member reads, "Seriously, what more could you possibly want from us?"
Dean Risa Goluboff expressed a lack of sympathy for those who believed any law school on earth would be anything like Disneyland, remarking, “I think it's pretty obvious Mickey Mouse would have gone to Darden.”
The Admissions team will continue to conduct tours of the law school through November 30 as scheduled, but has asked first-year students to muffle their sobs in the presence of prospective applicants.
----
Kristen Ridgway
kar5zn@virginia.edu