Taylor Elicegui '20
Staff Editor
What do law students and Snow White have in common? Both start off blissfully ignorant, living easy lives, until tragedy strikes (becoming an orphan/selling your soul to go to law school) and end up working to death before running for their life from murderous forces like the Queen/the student loans you took to pay tuition only to be saved by a handsome prince/that firm salary awaiting you at the end of your three years. What follows is a guide[1] to the people you will meet as you try and avoid being murdered on this “magical” journey.
1. The Wicked Stepmother: Finals. Finals feel jealous of everything in your life that brings you joy and happiness. Finals plot to murder you and your joy. Good luck trying to enjoy the Pav pool and beautiful spring weather with your Property/poisonous apples hanging over you. You can run, but you can’t hide. Even if you try and hide, the Wicked Stepmother will track you down and use your weakness (inherent kindness/love of going out) to ruin your life and/or GPA.
2. The Magic Mirror: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the edgiest T14 of all? The University of Virginia School of Law, of course. Everyone knows UVa Law is the cool kid of all the law schools. In a few weeks, when all the other schools descend on us for the softball tournament, our popularity will be apparent. They hate us cuz they ain’t u,s @AboveTheLaw.
3. Doc: You spend the first two months thinking she is your section’s gunner. That is, until she bombs your ungraded Civ Pro midterm. For some reason, she thinks that you need to do a minimum contacts analysis for the plaintiff, even though everyone knows the court always has good personal jurisdiction over the plaintiff. You were super intimidated until you realized that, while she seems to have it all together from the outside, she’s actually the conductor of the Hot Mess Express. For some reason, though, she still reads all the assigned notes.
4. Sleepy: Your friend that, for some reason, has all of the same responsibilities as you but seems much more hassled, stressed, and sleep-deprived. Unclear if he has an addiction to internet poker or The Great British Bake-Off, but you have a sneaking suspicion he doesn’t sleep at night, since he struggles so hard in class.
5. Grumpy: He has a coffee addiction but never manages to grab a cup before your 8:30, so every time you speak to him, you fear for your life. He complains about the reading when it’s forty pages and complains about the reading when it’s four pages. You feared for Student Affairs that one time he went to get snacks and they didn’t have any of his favorite chips. Amazingly, he tends to avoid getting cold-called. You’re pretty sure it’s because the professors are scared off by his perma-scowl.
6. Happy: Every section needs a Happy to help them bond and keep them sane. Happy is super extraverted and seemingly knows everyone around school. She’s most likely the captain of your softball team, the 1L Rep of Virginia Law Women, involved with the Libel Show, and one of those people that runs marathons *for fun*. You know Happy must have some flaw somewhere, right? Otherwise it’s just not fair.
7. Sneezy: The sick kid who never stays home and gets everyone else sick. You can’t blame Sneezy for being a product of our law school culture, but that doesn’t mean you have to appreciate the germs. Why do we insist on doing this to ourselves? Unclear, but this is definitely something we should work on.
8. Bashful: Your friend who, despite grading and writing onto Virginia Law Review, remains the humblest, kindest friend you have. She’s always willing to give you her class notes. She writes her own outline and your outline. With Bashful by your side, you’re guaranteed to meet the median in Federal Courts, at the minimum.
9. Dopey: He’s perpetually late for class. Seemingly never does the reading. Pulls all of his outlines from the SBA bank. Has never missed a bar review. You’re honestly worried about him failing LRW. But, you keep him around because he makes you feel like you’re thriving. Plus, you can always count on him to throw the pre-game.
10. Prince Charming: Just like Prince Charming, the Virginia Law Weekly. Law Weekly is here to rescue you when you need it the most—the day when you forgot your lunch and don’t want to pay for food. Law Weekly comes to the rescue with the school’s most comprehensive guide to find the fairest free meal in all of the land. Law Weekly is also your go-to source for breaking news, cartoons, and professor quotes—here to rescue you from the drudgery of studying when you need it the most. You’re welcome.
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[1] With thanks to Will L. Hupp '20 and Darcy Whelan '19 for their assistance