Will Palmer ‘21
Resident Homewrecker
So, I kind of wrote myself into a corner with the Road Trip series, and need to take a little while to figure out how to move the plot along without some sort of annoyingly arbitrary time jump. Fear not—Dennis, Fawkes, Anthony/Carlos, and the rest of the cast will return…but, in the meantime, I have an article to write, and everybody likes listicles, so here’s this. As with most of the things I suggest, don’t try them at home. Try them at someone else’s.[1]
1) “The Parrot Pretext.”This is a classic gag. Use a birthday as an excuse to purchase a parrot for the target of your prank, and train said parrot to repeat problematic phrases at inopportune times. This is one of my favorites because it’s an intergenerationalmethod of trolling: your friend and their descendantswill have to deal with an ornery, mangy, obnoxiously-flapping bird that squawks “Help! Murder!” every time they answer the phone. Truly a timeless prank.
2) “The Plagues of Egypt Prank Series.”This one is a multi-step operation, but, if you do it right, your friend or family member will truly believe they have stepped into the Old Testament. You know, the really metal one, with the pillars of salt and gnarly sacrifices and in-depth instructions on how to construct a tabernacle. Here’s how you do it:
Step One: Water to Blood.This one’s pretty simple. Just buy yourself a LOT of dark red food coloring, get your tool kit, find a way to (legally) enter your friend’s domicile, and insert dye packs into the plumbing, particularly in the sinks and shower.
Step Two: Frogs.The animal ones are easy, because we have the internet. You can buy 150 frogs for, like, $200. They probably even give you a discount if you use Bitcoin.
Step Three: Lice/Gnats.See above. If you can’t find someone to provide you with a bucket of gnats, let me know. I’ve got a guy.
Step Four: Flies.Internet. Duh. If you buy the flies and frogs at the same time, you can get the frogs nice and fat before you unleash them upon your unsuspecting friend or loved one.
Step Five: Pestilence of the Livestock.Take an inventory of the meat in your target’s refrigerator. Later, surreptitiously replace the meat products with long-expired meats in identical packaging.
Step Six: Boils.Well, now my Google history has “how to give someone boils” in it, so that’s pretty gross. Most of the results were images of medieval scrolls, though, and I don’t read anything written before the invention of not dying of the plague, so you’re kind of on your own here.
Step Seven: Thunderstorm of Hail.You’ll need to recruit some assistants for this step. Have them stand on your friend’s roof at night smashing thundersticks together and throwing gravel at the windows. Run frantically to the front door and inform your dumbstruck target that it is, in fact, “thunderstorming hail” and that you should both take cover with all deliberate speed.
Step Eight: Locusts.Unfortunately, you can’t get these on the internet- oh wait, you totally can. Now, I’m not saying that it’s a good idea, but you can do it. Just try to avoid areas with lots of crops.
Step Nine: Darkness for Three Days.You’ll want to get this set up during Step Seven—while your friend is cowering in mortal terror of the “hail” outdoors, have a helper run around and tape black tarps over all the windows and doors, and padlock the entrances shut from the outside. Hope you remembered to bring three days’ worth of Hot Pockets.
Step Ten: The Super Morbid One.…you should just skip step ten. Your friend/family member will be reduced to a blubbering mess by step four, anyway. It would be annoying if I didn’t finish the list, though, wouldn’t it? I hate it when that happens.
3) “The Group Gaslighting Gag.”Meet up with some of your favorite accomplices and decide on a target for the prank. Then, every time you are with the target and they briefly leave the room, move a piece of furniture three to four feet into a new position. When they return (and are understandably confused by the newly-ambulatory furniture), act surprised at their bewilderment and say that nothing was moved. The next time the target leaves the room, move the furniture back to its original position. There’s no real “endgame” or “point” to this prank, besides turning your ostensible “friend” into a paranoid, trembling shell of their former self, but hey, some people are into that.
PRO TIP: This prank is even more fun if you use mannequins, because mannequins are insanelycreepy. Not sure why you’re hanging out in a place with a bunch of mannequins on hand, but who am I to judge?
4) “The Fatwa Follies.”This one is easy. All you need to do is write an award-winning fourth novel that uses magical realism and dream sequences to explore the immigrant experience in Britain, and publish it under your friend’s name. Next thing you know, the Supreme Leader of Iran is pounding his fist on a table and shouting on TV, and your pal is going into a very niche analogue to Witness Protection. You’ll probably have some explaining to do, but hey, all you did was write the book. And put their name on it without permission, knowing full well what would happen. But you’re still a good person. Trust me.
5) “The Taxidermy Trick.”For this, you’ll need two things: (1) a weird dedication to pranking your friends from beyond the grave and (2) a taxidermist with low moral standards and creative methods (good bedside manner is unnecessary). Organize things so that, once you merrily shuffle off this mortal coil, your body is delivered to the individual mentioned in item (2). Have them taxidermy your corpse into a fun position, preferably with fingers situated so that you can hold various props (such as a parasol or drinking horn). Ask one of the folks you involved in the Biblical Plagues Series from earlier to enter the target of the prank’s house and place your taxidermied remains in a good spot for a jump scare, like a closet or shower. For extra frights, consider asking your co-conspirator to dress you up as a plague doctor or sad clown before dropoff.
PRO TIP: If you find a taxidermist that alsoworks with eerily realistic animatronics for some reason, well, you know what to do. I really, sincerely hope you don’t know someone like that, though.
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wtp7bq@virginia.edu
[1]Obligatory “This is all satire” notification.