Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor
The following is a “reprinting” of the SBA letter sent to the university administration on September 23, 2020, asking for an exemption from the new COVID-19 policies. This is a near word for word reproduction of the actual letter and absolutely nothing has been changed whatsoever.
Hi Jimmy,
Look, we know this is a pandemic. We get it. We are leaders, too. We are, in fact, the Student Body Association—the most important legislative body at the UVA Law School. We have a president, a vice president, multiple senators, the whole nine yards. We understand leadership and how important it is to say the right things, since people listen to us. But . . . c’mon, Jim. Jimmy. Jimbo—let’s do away with pretenses. Give us a break. We know you didn’t actually mean to include us in your little “SEC-045 policy changes” or whatever. We’re special—enlightened, in fact. We’re future lawyers. Just do us a favor and give us a break here. We’ll even give you some reasons below, but honestly, all that you need to know is that we are special, we are different, and that for those reasons, we should get an exemption.
1. We have long-distance relationships that are so different from, like, any relationship you can imagine.
Honestly, you just don’t get it. We have relationships. And not just relationships—these are hotter and heavier than you can possibly fathom, Jim. Clintons-at-Yale-Law-hot, Jim. Do you know what it’s like to not see the love of your LIFE for more than two weeks? Do you know how hard it is to go to our parents’ beach house and not post an Instagram story with them since they’re from out of town because that would be a violation of these new rules? We don’t think you do, James.
Look, other people may have relationships—even important relationships— that are affected by this virus. But other people aren’t US. And US is what we are talking about here. We have people who have been dating for six, maybe even seven whole months. This type of love is meant to be out in the open and on social media. We can’t. Do. That. With these new restrictions. For two whole weeks. Do you know how fragile a relationship of that length is? If we can’t even see the person we’re dating in person, how are they supposed to remember we even exist? They aren’t. You’re killing this beautiful flower of a relationship in the name of “public safety” and “being a part of the Charlottesville community whether we like it or not.” These are things that pale in comparison with the relationship we have, and we will not let the spread of COVID-19 in the university community affect our ability to post our relationships on Instagram without fear of repercussions.
2. We are smart.
Jim, let’s get real here—we’re smart. Like, super smart. There is just no way that we’re going to catch COVID. Sure, some of us will go to the bars once in a while, and those people will stop by to say “hi” or to watch a football game.[1] But most COVID cases are with the undergrads, and COVID knows it needs to stay there. Our minds are our most potent weapon, and COVID knows that. That is why we are writing this letter in the first place—because we know it will NOT look entitled, and it will absolutely NOT backfire, oh, say, ten days later, when we get an email about more cases in the Law School community.
The fact of the matter is, Jim, our brains separate us out from the Charlottesville community and the University of Virginia community. You see, we get all of the benefits of tacking a top eight (8) law school name onto our resumes, but we don’t actually care about the city or the University. You see, this is meant for career advancement alone. The name doesn’t matter so much as the benefit we derive from it. You see that? You SEE that? Then why are we being limited by this new social distancing policy? It makes our lives harder, and the last time we checked, University of Virginia School of Sacrificing Two Weeks of Social Activities For the Greater Good of the Community doesn’t have a good ring to it. Do. Better.
3. Your communication policies clearly show we have been blindsided and are the true victims here.
James, we had no idea this was a possibility. How could we? Being smart doesn’t mean that we are “all-seeing.” Plus, you know we don’t have common sense, because we go to law school. Don’t you realize that making us watch a video that is NOT on TikTok is tantamount to torture? When we regale the hardships of the past to our future grandchildren, we may not even have the heart to tell them that you told us about this new two-week policy over VIDEO. Imagine the horror on the children’s faces when they realize that you didn’t tell us everything you were thinking about doing via email at all times. That is your legacy. We, the SBA, and almost certainly the greater Law School community,[2] have been victimized by your lack of communication. We, therefore, wag our finger at you and expect to see you crawl back to us with a well-written apology over email.
We thank you for your time and consideration of these proposals. We appreciate your leadership during these difficult times, and we look forward to partnering with you to create a safe environment for all students.[3]
Sincerely,
The Student Bar Association, who have great brains and want to show everyone that, too.
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dac6jk@virginia.edu
[1] Hi, author Drew here. This is how you know it’s satire. Ninety percent of SBA members do not watch football. Carry on.
[2] Jeb Bush to reader: Please laugh.
[3] This last bit is actually from the SBA letter and honestly, I died laughing as soon as I read the word “partnering.” Imagine thinking you look like a partner when you’re actively asking to not be? Neither can I.