Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor
Dear reader, we are at the point in the semester where the writer no longer cares about providing you with quality, time-invested candy rankings. Instead, we are going to just feed you artificial, mass-produced, easy-to-digest-but-something-you-regret-reading rankings articles. Sort of like candy. This is, of course, a definitive ranking of candies.
10. “I Want Candy” – NOT Aaron Carter, 1982
Who the hell knew that “I Want Candy” was first written and sung by Bow Wow Wow? I didn’t. I always thought this was an Aaron Carter song. Either way, this is a classic and is automatically stuck in your head the second you read the song title. I will say, the original song is the one I am thinking of, but Jesus, I had no clue it was this old. 1982. Anyways, this is spooky because, statistically speaking, someone who worked on the production, writing, music video filming, acting, or distribution of this song is probably dead.
9. “Chocolate Rain” – Tay Zonday, 2007
This guy is a legend of the viral video game. He was a weird-looking guy back then, and guess what—he’s a weird-looking guy now. The only thing that I remember about this song is him singing the words “chocolate rain,” and that’s about it. No, I am not rewatching this song. Maybe I will, but not right now. Sad story—a video title of an interview with this guy says that he lost millions by not putting the song on iTunes. This is a lesson for you incredibly talented musical geniuses in the legal field, of which there are many—make hay while the sun shines, baby.
8. “Sugar (feat. Wynter)” – Flo Rida, Wynter Gordon, 2009
I am terrible at memorizing lyrics, but by God, I can sing like half of this song cause it’s just ripped (sampled) from that “I’m Blue” song. This song was a banger, but I feel like it got overshadowed by other candy-themed songs that came out around the same time. Or maybe not, and I am out of touch with the pop culture world, which I most certainly am. However, not as out of touch as MANY in this school, who don’t even try to engage with, like, society. Anyways, fantastic song, and God bless Flo Rida.
7. “Chocolate Salty Ball” – Chef/Isaac Hayes/South Park
I mean this song has absolutely everything—a FULL recipe for chocolate salty balls, including directions on how to make it, sung by the righteous and legendary voice that is Isaac Hayes. Fun fact, the recipe doesn’t call for salt. If you don’t think Chocolate Salty Ball is a funny song, then you have a big dump in your pants. Also, if you think the Law Weekly shouldn’t be referencing something “lowbrow” like this, then you, too, have a big dump in your pants. Find a toilet and learn some potty humor before judging me for my choice in songs is all that I am saying. Also, show Isaac Hayes some respect.
6. “Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows” – Lesley Gore, the 60s I think
Like Rodney Dangerfield’s comedy near the time this came out, this song doesn’t get enough respect. It is constantly used in movies, and you always know something bad is going to happen like right after the scene is over. Usually, it ends mid-song with a little echo or something, and the protagonist has a dumbfounded or horrified look on his or her face. Fantastic song for setting that vibe up.
5. “The Candyman” – Sammy Davis Jr. version, 1971
This isn’t so much about candy as it is about the Candy Man. I have always thought it was a creepy song. It’s like a well-meaning version of Lollipop, which just doesn’t bode well. That being said, this, too, is used a lot in movies. Usually, the main character is on drugs. Don’t hold me to that.
4. “Sugar, We’re Going Down” – Fall Out Boy, 2005
“One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so GREAT.” That’s what I think of when I think of this song. Those lyrics aren’t even from this song. Honestly, I shouldn’t even be putting it in here, but I know people would get mad if I didn’t. You could even say I didn’t want to deal with the FALLOUT! Ok, next song.
3. “Lollipop” – Lil Wayne, 2008
Unbelievable this isn’t number one, I know. I agonized over that, but I have to give precedence to the next song. Something like a little under a year after its release, “Lollipop” sold over nine million copies (if you’re looking for a footnote, it ain’t happening, buster. Go look it up on Wikipedia yourself). What else is there to say other than “Sh, sh, she lick me like a lollipop.” Thank God for Lil Wayne.
2. “Candy Shop” – 50 Cent, 2005
Legendary. Just incredible. I don’t know anything about music history or music theory, but I know that this song makes me weep with joy. It speaks to our humanity—nay, it defines it. This is who we are, and we all bow down at the throne of 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop.”
Actual number one: the edible grass in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”
I have been thinking about this all week. The grass really did it for me. Just blew my mind as a little second grader when I first saw this movie, and I still want to try it. Alas, I never will, and I find that very sad. But also a metaphor, p’raps, about how we will never achieve perfection in this life. All I can hope for is to be carried on a chocolate river’s liquids in the next life and to be washed up onto an edible, candy-grass shore. That is the true meaning of Halloween.
Pictured: Willy Wonka is emblematic of Halloween. Photo Courtesy of pbs.twimg.com
Honorable mention: “Laffy Taffy”– D4L
---
dac6jk@virginia.edu