Jacob Jones ‘21
Features Editor
In the darkness of a cold February night, law students seeking refuge from the Hallmark tirade of Valentine’s Day reminders found some (but not much) in the warm glow of a packed downtown bar. Around 10 p.m., the lonely heartthrobs of UVA’s most prestigious graduate schools[1] trickled like an intravenous drip into the Fitzroy, a bar of classy standards. On a Feb Club weekend featuring two big events, it was the “business in the front” part of the Law School weekend mullet.[2] The Health Law Association’s Safe Sex Med School Mixer provided a thoroughly strange opportunity for everyone to enjoy slightly discounted beer and tonics at the Fitzroy, all in the presence of drunk classmates, strangers, and a pile of condoms that was awkwardly sitting at the end of the bar.
The description for this event was “[b]ecause half of y’all went to abstinence-only boarding schools in Connecticut.”[3] This is probably fair, but I didn’t get a whole lot of learning at this particular event. So, I shall continue on the path of abstinence. Perhaps they should’ve done the banana demonstration from middle school health class.
The night proved that, for the most part, law students avoid talking to non-law students, even at an event branded as a “mixer,” and revealed that we’re not yet scared enough of coronavirus to make any attempt to avoid ridiculously crowded spaces. It was very packed. I thought about asking a med student about the transmission of diseases in such a cramped room, but that would have required (1) standing up from my cozy table in the corner and (2) talking to someone who was not a law student. Astute readers of my Law Weekly articles[4] will remember that the last time I wrote about law students and med students mixing, harsh words were traded, with me calling a med student Dr. Pepper and him calling me Suits.[5] Perhaps the reason that many law students decided not to talk to the med students was our bitterness about their constant presence in the law library. Although med students are at least slightly better than undergrads, we like to practice continual and unabating exclusion here on North Grounds.
My favorite part of the night was the pile of free smartie necklaces next to the condoms (no one else was brave enough to go near the condoms, at least not while I was watching). Eating a smartie necklace is one of the least sexy things anyone can do, since it requires crunching into multiple smarties at once to get them off the string, then sucking the remnants off the soggy elastic. This might explain why none of the med students seemed interesting in mixing with me. As an adult, you really start viewing candy necklaces differently: instead of a fun new way to eat candy, it makes you feel like you’re both a child (in a bad way) and like you’re wearing one of those necklaces that people who think they look like surfers wear.
Try as we might to escape Valentine’s Day, law students couldn’t fully get away from awkward reminders of their single-ness. For example, the Fitzroy rebranded their signature tonic drinks as “love tonics.” Some law students refused to order them because they did not want to say those two words in sequence. Who can blame them? But, the tonics themselves were quite good, even if they were sickeningly sweet.
Truth be told, the turn-out that night was impressive: because of the combined effects of the evening’s basketball game and the many couples Ubering to their dates (Valentine’s Day is always better with a healthy helping of liquor), some attendees of the Safe Sex Mixer reported seeing Lyft and Uber prices rise to $50 for a simple ride out from North Grounds to the Downtown Mall. That price was unacceptable. Many Law School adventurers decided to appoint a designated driver to chauffeur them to the event and recognized the virtue of not needing to pay for an Uber and instead relying on someone else. Others were even cooler and took the bus. In the end, I think going to a bar is an appropriate event for singles to go to on Valentine’s. As a doctor might say, you can treat outside boo-boos with alcohol, so maybe inside boo-boos can benefit from alcohol as well.
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jmj3vq@virginia.edu
[1] Sorry Darden, sort of.
[2] The Libel event on Saturday night being the party in the back.
[3] Is there another kind of boarding school?
[4] Shoutout to my mom. This is also a great time to mention our website, www.lawweekly.org, which is a great place for you to keep up with the paper after you graduate. Again, that’s www.lawweekly.org. Or you can live in the 21st century and just Google “uva law weekly”.
[5] Suits isn’t even hurtful, have you seen Meghan Markle?