Moonshine the Cat
Guest Writer
Pictured: Author, Moonshine “Mooney” the Cat
Day 0
It is what the humans keep referring to as “Spring Break.” Only human 1 is home, and I am very lonely all day when he’s gone. I’m very happy when human 1 comes home. I hope human 2 comes back soon.
Day 3
Human 2 has come back. It is a joyous day. I hope that they never leave!
Day 4
Remember when I said I hope they never leave? They haven’t left… all I can do is pray that soon we will be back to our normal routine where I rule over the apartment all day for five days a week and get all the naps I want.
Day 5
Something has gone terribly wrong. The humans have not left the apartment. They are squatting on my domain. How can this be? Even worse, they seem to be in need of love and affection, and they turn to me for it. I am not to be loved. I am to be feared—and worshipped. I hope they start leaving me alone so that I can rule my domain soon.
Day 8
It has been several nights since I’ve had a good day’s sleep. Have these people not heard of the term “catnap?” The problem is that I have to be in the same room as the humans when they are home, yet I also want to nap in that room. You can see my predicament. This lack of day sleep is really starting to affect my nightly zoomies.
Day 12
I still can’t catnap. And they won’t let me eat my plants either. I’ve always had an array of exciting, crunchy, tasty houseplants to munch on whenever I’m bored, but the humans have decided that they love the houseplants more than they love me. How could they do this? I AM THEIR GOD. Don’t they know about the ancient Egyptians?
Day 13
The humans are trying to exercise me. I need to figure out how to tell them I am above physical exercise; I am not some fifth grader doing a fitness test for Michelle Obama.
Day 15
I’ll never get over this… I’m just so upset. Guess what they called me today? A CHONKER. I should be a heckin’ fine girl on the chonk chart! These gigantic humans who snack all day have the nerve to call me fat. I am a majestic, noble creature who deserves her meowijuana catnip treats, but they’re putting me on a diet. And even worse, they’re trying to make me exercise. (Meanwhile, they haven’t left the apartment in days!) They just ate an entire apple pie each, and yet I am the one put on a diet. This is outrageous!
Day 20
The humans must have reached peak boredom. Today they put me inside a knapsack, let me poke my head out, and took me for a walk outside. It was nice because I could really get a good look at those squirrels I always stare at, but I’ve never had my dignity insulted like this before. They continue to think I am some kind of human baby. I am worried they will force me to wear silly cat outfits to satisfy their boredom.
Day 21
The outfit happened. I will not discuss this further.
Pictured: These indignities will not stand.