Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor
Namaste, my friend. It’s been some time since I was able to send a transmission. Sorry about that. Took a while to get the aerial rigged up above the bunker. All set now, though—so pull up a camp chair, crack open a tin of Spam and a room-temperature malt beverage, and settle in for an update from the Plaguelands.[1] Let’s start with…
Education
Many public high schools have set up “remote bullying” sessions so that unpopular students don’t miss out on the crucial life experience of being verbally abused by their peers. Universities and graduate schools country-wide have transitioned to online classes and ordered students to return home. Unfortunately, many of those same students stopped in Florida for Spring Break on the way back and now we’re in a version of 28 Days Later where the infected are sunburned bros in “Reagan/Bush ’84” tanks instead of angry Brits with great cardio.
The Economy
As we all know, China made a margin call and sank the stock market harder than the Lusitania. Airline investors wept openly in the streets, and major Netflix shareholders argued with their spouses about which private island to buy. A number of Americans, acting under the impression that COVID-19 causes some sort of gastric extinction event, took to hoarding toilet paper in tremendous amounts. Frantic individuals went to great lengths to obtain “plumbing supplies;” people in the author’s own neighborhood have taken to ordering electric bidets off Amazon so they can powerwash their taints free of anything even remotely resembling a microorganism.
Government Efforts - At Home and Abroad
In order to curb the spread of disease, police in India have been making use of the time-honored “carrot and stick” method, only without the carrots. Citizens outside past curfew have been aggressively pursued by moped-riding avengers wielding what can best be described as “bigass sticks,” like some sort of low-budget version of Mad Max. In Italy, local government officials have responded to the country’s health crisis by patrolling the deserted streets and verbally annihilating all who cross their paths like they’re the protagonist of Skyrim.[2]
These aren’t the only countries utilizing aggressive containment measures. North Korea shot their guy. Kim Jong-un is over there, twirling his pimp cane while he looks at us and says, “Hey, we shot our dude. What did you do? Switch to takeout? Wimps.” Then again, this is the same guy who got gout from eating too much imported cheese, so maybe we shouldn’t be using the “Kim Jong-un standard” for our health care.[3]
…which brings us to the American response. Mike Pence, in his position as Coronavirus Tsar, has been working feverishly to enact a controversial electroshock therapy program that allegedly “converts” coronavirus carriers into “practitioners of a godlier lifestyle.” Examples of other government responses to the pandemic include CIA black sites transitioning to the use of Purell instead of water for the “enhanced interrogation” of the teenaged goat herders we’ve recently abducted, and federal legislators frantically stuffing envelopes with approximately $2,000 for every American adult in an attempt to stop our complaining by giving us bidet money.
Entertainment
The next James Bond film, No Time to Die, was delayed because, as it turns out, we do have time to die before we see Daniel Craig lose yet another onscreen girlfriend (spoiler alert for a movie that hasn’t been released yet). NTTD was hardly the only production that was affected: Fast & Furious 9: This Time Vin Diesel Has a Brother had its release date pushed back a year, and a number of films, such as Frozen II, Emma, and a bunch of other sh*t I’m not going to see were released on demand instead of in theaters. Everyone in America simultaneously decided to binge-watch Tiger King, a delightfully original live-action spin-off to the animated Disney classic The Lion King.
Interestingly, not all recent cancellations have been due to coronavirus fears. Ultra, Coachella, and other popular music festivals across the nation have been canceled to combat what has been described by horrified health officials as “a syphilis outbreak of biblical proportions.” I’m not pointing any fingers, but has anyone checked on Anthony Weiner lately?
I’ll end with this—in a global pandemic scenario, it’s important to stay mentally healthy by engaging in a variety of activities and hobbies. For example, I’ve been spending my time practicing the mandolin and drawing extremely erotic cartoons of [name of major religious figure redacted, but you know who it is]. Make sure you’re staying mentally active and pursuing pastimes you find enjoyable!
Until next time – stay healthy and stay sane!
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wtp7bq@virginia.edu