Michael Berdan ‘22
Staff Editor
The UVA Law Board of Lords convened in late August to discuss the possibility of reducing tuition in light of the Law School’s limited services and remote learning format for the fall semester. “Something had to be done,” said board member Karen G. Rockefeller ’68. “Students had summer employment canceled or limited. Some were unable to return home. Some had families sick, and some were sick themselves. The financial burdens have been mounting, and we saw an opportunity to step up and lighten those burdens.”
The meeting lasted several hours, with a number of board members standing to express solidarity with the students and Law School under their stewardship. “This is—and will continue to be—the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression… Or is it Recession? One of those two bad ones!” shouted Emeritus Dean Arnold W. Khan ’81. “Our students committed to an elite education that would lead them to prosperity in the market. We sold the school to them based in large part on job prospects. If those have materially changed, we must change the amount they are paying.”
One board member, Joanne Kennedy ’92, expressed regret over the educational product that is being delivered this year.
“UVA Law’s tuition is higher than any other public law school on the planet,” Kennedy noted. “Under typical circumstances, this is justified by the quality of experience. Students at UVA Law receive instruction and mentorship from teaching-focused professors who are at the top of their fields. They attend classes in state-of-the-art facilities, in a community of collegial and social students, in one of the most beautiful parts of the country. This semester, however, they will be attending class through a webcam, probably from home. Their access to the facilities will be strictly limited, and social events will be prohibited. We simply are not delivering the product that was promised to them when they matriculated, so we are honor-bound to reduce tuition accordingly.”
Pictured: Board members debate how much to discount fall semester tuition. Photo Courtesy of pixabay.com.
This received resounding cheers from the rest of the board. Mr. Khan continued, “This isn’t to disparage the work of our administration, who have done a marvelous job trying to deliver everything that is possible, safe, and merited given the circumstances. We certainly do not want them pretending things are normal, so neither should we. Charging $68,500 for UVA Law, Online Edition? Would anyone actually pay that? The entire student body would take a leave of absence, and just watch Geis’s clips on YouTube. Or Themis. Or The Great Courses. Man, that guy sure is prolific.”
Not everyone in attendance was in favor of a discount on tuition. Chief Undersecretary for Student Subjugation Barron A. Giuliani ’63 was seen rolling his eyes throughout the meeting. During a tearful reading of student testimonials about how the pandemic has affected their financial circumstances, Giuliani audibly scoffed, and a tense exchange ensued when other board members asked him to take the proceedings seriously. Giuliani responded curtly, “Nah.” Board members pressed him to elaborate, and Giuliani took the position that the school had adequate “avenues of justification” for maintaining the same tuition or even raising it.
“I dunno,” postulated Giuliani, barely able to talk through surging giggles. “Tell ‘em it’s actually more expensive to hold school online than in person. Nobody will believe it, it’s total nonsense, but are they actually gonna do anything about it? Ha! Please, tell ‘em that, it’ll be great.”
Several board members were aghast at the suggestion and said they themselves would stand up for students if the school employed such tactics. Giuliani sat back, lit a cigar, knit his fingers across his broad belly, and laughed. “Tell ‘em…” he continued, through puffs of smoke and a Cheshire grin, “tell ‘em the school’s endowment isn’t really, actually, all that big, or something.”
Giuliani’s dissenting voice was overwhelmed by the other board members, who voted 12-1 to extend a lifeline to students by reducing tuition, on an emergency basis, by zero percent. This will save students an estimated $0.00 each, also cognizable as 0 Euros or 0 Albanian Lek. Students went wild with joy and gratitude on Twitter in response to this unprecedented discount. @hoosthatlawyerqt tweeted, “THIS is why I go to this school! THIS is why I love this community!!!” and @UVAesq2b tweeted, “I didn’t know whether to return to school during the pandemic, but UVA really showed they understand where we are, and they really stepped up with this discount.” In a break of social distancing protocols, dozens of students met the board members as they came out of Slaughter Hall and hugged them. Tears flowed freely, and board members gave impromptu speeches to the crowd about the weight of responsibility they felt to rise to the occasion and support students. Barron Giuliani was seen speeding away in a silver Maybach, still laughing.
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mwb4pk@virginia.edu