Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor
My dearest 1L peers,
Like Moses with his Ten Commandments, I am once again coming down from the mountaintop of debt to provide you with much-needed advice and encouragement. 1L year is a truly magical time, and the people you meet now will likely become lifelong stepping stones toward success friends. However, this journey is perilous, and it is my duty to light the way for you, as many have done for me.
Pictured: Drew Calamaro ‘21 prophetically shares his secrets to 1Ls. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.
1. Trust no one.
You are in law school, not trust school. That can be dealt with in Trusts & Estates should you choose to figure out what that is. Law school is all about the acquisition of power and its exertion over others. As such, I suggest you do something to stake your claim in your section, such as joining the SBA. That will really make people respect you, and, hopefully, fear you as well.
2. Complain about anything and everything whenever possible.
Socrates was a gadfly to Sparta (my editors will probably “fact” check me but he wasn’t even real so I get to pick),so why shouldn’t you be a gadfly to everyone around you? Furthermore, no one is going through the same things you are, and the playing field is definitely not equal when the test time is changed at the last minute for the entire class. No, you are the only one who has to bear the severe consequences of such heavy burdens, and it is your duty to complain over Zoom, in your GroupMe, and at home. The act of complaining is a soothing balm to the ears of any future lawyer, and there is no way they will understand your struggle unless you complain.
3. Buy the 1L of a Ride book.
You suckers. By all means waste your money—you’re here reading this, after all.
4. As stated last year, using your middle initial makes you sound smart, successful, not egotistical, and totally sophisticated.
My position remains the same: Using your middle initial tells people you are smart, you are capable, and that you absolutely do not have an inflated ego. There is truly no better feeling than writing out your middle initial and dotting the period with a flourish of your quill pen. Thomas R. Jefferson did this, so did John H. Hancock, why shouldn’t you? Sidenote, the word for someone who does this in German is Backpfeifengesicht, which means “wise beyond comprehension.” If only more lawyers used their middle initial, p’raps the world would be a more harmonious place.
5. Your peer advisors should be treated as your elders, even if they are K-JDs with no real-world experience.
As a Peer Advisor Peer (PAP), I know these people. They are highly trustworthy and are wise in the ways of the law school world. They will provide novel advice such as “you are meant to be here or else you wouldn’t be,” or “make sure you start outlining, and don’t be afraid to reach out to professors.” This earthshaking information can make or break your legal career. Far too many of my fellow law students have ignored the advice of their PAs. They are no longer with us.
6. If you aren’t understanding how to do law school, just drop out.
The true mark of a lawyer is being brave enough to feel nothing about the sunk cost of time and money and to trust your heart’s desires. However, you remember that you don’t have a heart, which is why you’re taking that BigLaw job, and you end up staying. Maybe ask your Peer Advisors what you should do with your life—they have plenty of experience.
7. Journals are the most fulfilling use of your time.
We will go over this at the beginning of next semester, but just know that the journal tryouts process is absolutely not arbitrary and capricious. It is certainly not the stupidest exercise I have ever done. You should absolutely do it. The people who run it are competent.
8. The administration will always be willing to work with you.
Sometimes it takes over 5,000 signatures for them to do so, but they will certainly provide you with answers. Sometimes those answers lead to more questions, which lead to non-answers, but isn’t that the true lesson of law school?
9. Never sleep, never exercise, and don’t eat well.
This is a good time to start practicing your health routine as a lawyer. Plus, it intimidates classmates when you show up to your Zoom classes looking like a “hot mess” and then you tell them you got an A-. No one lies about their grades in law school, and you can always trust what people say in this sphere.
10. Do NOT show up to class sick.
I have written in the past that showing up to class sick is the most intimidating thing you can do. It sets the tone that others should fear your ambition and motivation. It tells professors that you are here, you are ready to learn, and that you are not going to let disgusting phlegm get in the way of your B+. However, since people can’t do jokes right now, I would like to say do not show up to class sick. Unless you have COVID.
That’s it. That is literally all you need for 1L. Stay safe, best of luck, and remember that no matter what you do, the ABA will hold it against you as you apply for the bar.
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dac6jk@virginia.edu