Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor
Every respectable adult knows that obvious displays of material goods are the best way to make a good impression on visitors. However, one of the best available options for this most noble of pursuits has been increasingly overlooked in the modern day: I speak, of course, of the bookshelf. Set aside, for a moment, your plundered sarcophagi and eerily lifelike porcelain dolls and look, instead, to what you can accomplish with but a few pieces of wood and some carefully selected books.[1]
Your bookshelf, once acquired, should be placed in an easy line of sight to the entrance of your domicile, and filled with a variety of impressive tomes. Bigger books tend to be better, unless the spine looks stupid, in which case get something else.
Now, before we begin, you should keep in mind that my Inherent Bookshelf Space (IBS) is effectively halved by the book-shredding presence of my roommate, Brutus (a chinchilla who I’m reasonably sure is the reincarnation of a Sumerian demon prince). You may have more or less IBS than I do depending on your living situation and other factors, so be sure to assess it before making any big decisions.
Let’s get to the books you should choose. Make sure you have something on your shelf that shows how independent and self-sufficient you are. If you want to be subtle, yet also completely unoriginal, get that book about the guy who died in the woods (I forget the title). If you want to make a statement, go with something heftier like Walden. Have I read it? Hell no! Does it matter? Not if I skim the Wikipedia page first.
It’s key to have a few books on your shelf that demonstrate martial prowess. Everyone and their grandma has a pocket version of The Art of War lying around, but have you seen Clausewitz’s Vom Kriege? That s*** is long. It also shows that you understand basic cavalry maneuvers and key methods of resupply in the field.
Pictured: This is an appropriate bookshelf to show off your immense intellect. Photo Courtesy of Will Palmer ‘21.
You should have several books that show off what I call “everyday skills.” Cookbooks fit this description, but they tend to be tall and wide (and thus difficult to work with when it comes to your IBS). You could go for something objectively awful like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but I would recommend books more along the lines of Mark Gumaer’s excellent Fundamentals of Gold Panning or Monarchs of the Fields: The Story of the Combine Harvester (written by the Faye Reineberg Holt).
Classic novels are a cornerstone of any dedicated poseur’s bookshelf and might be the easiest section to fill in. Just pick books that got turned into big-budget movies (preferably ones that you have seen). Consider The Last of the Mohicans. I, for one, would rather watch Daniel Day-Lewis sprint through the woods for 112 minutes than read James Fenimore Cooper’s belligerently detailed descriptions of said woods for 402 pages. Spoiler alert: There’s just one Mohican left at the end. If you’re looking for something more cheerful and optimistic, you could always try Cormac McCarthy’s hilariously gonzo travelogue The Road.
It’s important to imply that you are a spiritually inquisitive person, and the books you put on your shelf can help support this devious façade. Dante’s Inferno looks pretty titillating, judging from the illustrations, and The Da Vinci Code pointed out how nefarious the Vatican was way before Mark Ruffalo ever did. If you’re trying to get really weird, you could proudly display a well-worn copy of D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths (that Zeus guy was a kinky little minx, let me tell you that).
To complete your shelf, you may need to resort to what I refer to as “filler books;” larger-size tomes with impressive-looking spines that deal with subject matter you can bulls*** about for thirty to forty-five seconds before abruptly changing the subject. These will vary depending on your IBS and personal knowledge, but I’ll present a couple examples from my own shelf (and the reasons for their inclusion) for your reference. Since I am a genuinely rude person and have a face made for radio (as well as an above-average fondness for nicotine and whiskey), Churchill, Taken from the Diaries of Lord Moran is easy enough for me to relate to and thus spitball about. I watched both seasons of HBO’s Rome while moderately drunk, so I feel pretty confident that I can carry on a short conversation about Mary Beard’s S.P.Q.R. (“Rome? Yeah, that place was pretty stabby”). You get the idea.
Remember: The most important thing to keep in mind when filling a bookshelf isn’t “having fun” or “educating yourself,” it’s deceiving other people into thinking that you may, in fact, be an interesting individual with worthwhile opinions.
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wtp7bq@virginia.edu
[1] Darker woods are superior when it comes to bookshelves. Walnut, for example, is classier than Oak, and hides beer stains better.