Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor
Originally, this column was supposed to be a legal analysis of the UJC’s COVID-19 policies. However, they can pretty much do anything they want. Jacobson v. Massachusetts, the most influential public health Supreme Court case ever, decided that state governments can do pretty much whatever it takes to protect against community infection, provided the regulations serve a compelling governmental interest. I think the policies do just that. Please note, this paragraph is to appease my wonderful and benevolent editor, and in no way really matters all that much. I promised her a UJC article, and this is, in one sense, a UJC article.
However, I’m more interested (and I think that you, the reader, the patron, are as well) in ranking things. And in the spirit of the UJC’s COVID-19 requirements, I am going to rank the best laws. Has this been done already? Probably. Does this work to fill the void in our school’s paper of record, and in our own hearts? Absolutely. So, without further ado, here are the best laws. And by best, I mean the ones that I have an opinion on.
5. Law & Order
This is by far the worst law. Law & Order is horrifically formulaic,[1] takes too long, and always gets the bad guy at the end. It's the same thing every time. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. The only, and I mean the ONLY, redeeming quality is Mariska Hargitay. She must be protected at all costs. Do I view you as an incompetent with regard to good taste in shows if you watch this one? Yes. But that just places you on the curve with the rest of America. So, go in peace and keep watching, you simple, simple person. Be happy. Eat that medium-well done steak and mashed potatoes while you procrastinate in your room. I commend you for your utter lack of imagination.
4. Laws of Thermodynamics
You cannot do anything that violates these laws. It is literally impossible. On Wikipedia, it also says there is a Zeroth law of thermodynamics, which I did not know was a word. It says, “If two systems are both in thermal equilibrium with a third system, then they are in thermal equilibrium with each other.”[2] Fun stuff. I also think the word Zeroth describes the personality of many people, namely, those who watch Law & Order.
3. Jude Law in Sherlock Holmes
This is a no brainer. Jude Law is the man, and he is fantastic in Sherlock Holmes. That movie is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I will not shy away from defending it to the death. Jude Law plays a great straight man in this buddy-detective movie. Thank God he isn’t in Law & Order, the worst show ever made.
Pictured: Jude Law looks dashing, and then there’s Robert Downey Jr. Photo Courtesy of cnn.com.
2. Law of Attraction
This is a total classic. The law of attraction applies to anything and everything. I, for one, am attracted to the chicken sandwich at Michael’s Bistro. I also think it’s a law of thermodynamics; so, in a sense, it’s a double law. It can apply to opposite people who are attracted to one another, and similar people. It’s the perfect catch-all, just like this article. It serves one purpose, which is to appease my overlord editor by writing an article that semi-analyzes the UJC, and another, which is to entertain instead of putting you to sleep. That’s the law of attraction. Or something.
1. Law in American History, Vo. III: 1930 to 2000
This book, written by the great Ted White,[3] is great. I haven’t read it, but if you haven’t had G.E. White for Torts, I pity you. Anyone who hasn’t had G.E. White in general should be pitied, similar to people who watch Law & Order. Brevity saves the day in this book, as it only stretches to 1053 pages. I would rather read this book about five times than watch another episode of Law & Order. That’s really all the endorsement you really need. It’s better than Law & Order.
Pictured: The illustrious works of G.E. White. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu
I hope you gained something from this article. As for me, I gained a decent word count, which, while under 800, is counterbalanced by my longer article this week. I will be back to reviewing chicken sandwiches next week, folks.
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dac6jk@virginia.edu