Will Holt ‘23
Reviews Editor'
What you are about to consume is a playful work. Please understand that no offense is intended by anything that follows. Every journal below is a serious publication, and you should be proud to be a part of any of them. However, we can still have a bit of fun at their expense.
Virginia Law Review:
Well, if I’m gonna do this, I might as well start with the big boy on the block. Being on VLR is akin to being well-endowed. When people hear about it through the grapevine, they can’t help but feel both impressed and a bit self-conscious. But, if you go so far as to stick it in their faces, they will think you're a bit of a jerk. As a result, you’ve probably learned to be discreet when talking to folks, except during OGI when you practically tattoo it on your forehead. None of us can blame you of course, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t a wee bit jealous.
Journal of Law & Politics:
Okay, we get it, we get it. You want to live in D.C. No one can quite tell whether or not you actually want to work on Capitol Hill after graduating, but you’ve made it abundantly clear that if you aren’t doing politics, you at least want to be around it. Being a D.C. native, I can tell you that the whole affair gets old pretty quick, but props to you for sticking by your guns. I’d wager that you were a part of a debate club or model U.N. at some point in your past, and likely acquitted yourself well. It was probably a big reason why you came to law school. As a result, I imagine you see yourself, wherever you go, doing some type of litigation.
Virginia Environmental Law Journal:
You know what, good for you. You’re the kind of person who’s willing to make sacrifices to do what’s right. I’d bet you're fairly politically active, not unlike your JLP and VJSPL counterparts, but with a more idealistic streak. You're probably going to end up working for the EPA—or an oil company. I don’t know why, but I get the impression that there isn’t really a middle ground (see the Duel on Mustafar, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith). You almost assuredly like hiking or biking, and are probably a bit of a health nut. That’s all well and good, but there is a white Prius with a bike rack parked in my spot at Pav, and I know it belongs to one of you. Please remove it, or I swear I will start cutting down one tree a week until it’s gone.
Virginia Journal of Criminal Law:
Maybe it was different in the past, but after all the challenges to the criminal law orthodoxy we have seen recently, you and your fellow members aren’t afraid to share your opinion on anything. For you, there is a right and a wrong, and nothing will stop you from calling out the latter. As far as career aspirations go, there is a good chance that you want to be a public defender. That is great, but the rummaging through Professor Frampton’s trash has to stop. For the love of Pete, he is an alive human like the rest of us. I’m sure he would be happy to talk to you if you just ask him like a normal person.
Virginia Journal of International Law:
While researching this article I saw that VJIL is apparently number one in its field. Congratulations! I’m not entirely sure what international lawyers do, but you seem to have your stuff figured out. You are probably pretty outgoing, and may speak more than one language. At parties, you are always the fella who has just come back from abroad with some new fad, and pronounces every country or city name in its native accent. But, as annoying as your insistence on pronouncing Paris as “Pair-ee” is, you are well meaning and always have a crazy story about almost dying in some Third World country to cheer me up.
Virginia Journal of Law and Technology:
I went to a school known for its computer science program for my first year of college, so I know a computer nerd when I see one. You guys are like semi-nerds. You have all of the trendy gadgets and outlandish predictions, but are still as terrified of a calculator as the rest of us. You will probably still end up doing BigLaw, but I could totally see you going in-house at some tech company in California. While out there, you’ll probably get really into yoga and reefer. Anyways, you seem pretty chill. Keep things groovy.
Virginia Journal of Social Policy & the Law:
It kinda goes without saying that you are politically active. You’re the kind of person who will drive halfway across the country to go to some protest in D.C. or New York. I’ll be real, that takes some serious dedication and I don’t know how you do it. I’d also bet you are really into indie -music and know how to tie-dye your own shirts. You also really like ramen. Joking aside, you have a strong sense of justice. You are willing to throw down with anyone at any time over the causes you believe to be just. I know I don’t want to get in your way.
Virginia Law & Business Review:
Work hard, play hard. That’s your motto. You want to mint some coin and have some fun on the way. I imagine you are hoping to get a BigLaw job in New York and probably came to law school with a sycophantic love for the show Suits. You’re charismatic and know how to network with all the top firms. You lead the softball league in runs, even though I’m pretty sure you’ve never been sober for a single practice.
Unfortunately, I do have one complaint, and I think I speak for everyone when I say this. Please stop wearing a coat and tie when event invitations say “business casual.” It’s really annoying. Other than that, you seem to be pretty cool. Cheers.
Virginia Sports & Entertainment Law:
I know your secret. You never thought anyone would find out, but now I am going to expose you. The only reason you came to law school was because that’s what Tom Cruise did in Jerry Maguire before he became a sports agent. You also cry whenever you hear “Tangled up in Blue,” by Bob Dylan. I’m not going to say anymore because I know my VaSE friends have to reassess their lives at this point. For those among my readership who have no idea what I’m talking about, just go watch Jerry Maguire. It will make sense. Trust me.
Virginia Tax Review
Okay, tell me that you want to do transactional law, without actually telling me that you want to do transactional law. You share a lot in common with the folks over at VLRBR, but are probably a bit more reserved, and somewhat less in love with Suits. VTR folks are a pretty practical bunch, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you have already started saving for retirement and love collecting coupons. I’m getting a pretty strong Robert Duvall, circa 1969, vibe coming from you as well. He’s not the most memorable character from The Godfather, but he’s pretty good nonetheless. It’s not like you people are stuck with Fredo like VaSE (I don’t know why I’m ripping them so hard, but Fredo literally ran a casino, so don’t tell me it isn’t true). All in all, you seem pretty solid, just learn to accept the fact that you’ll never be the Don.
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wjh4ew@virginia.edu