Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Satire Editor & Photographer
Dear Class of 2024,
At the wise old age of twenty-three, with one COVID-filled year under my belt, I feel fully prepared to give you the life and legal advice[1] you need. And, luckily for you, I’ve been given the platform to do this, for better or worse. In what is now an enduring tradition, the Law Weekly will be providing you with the tips you need to survive this daunting transition into high school.[2] So please sit back, put on your blue light glasses, and get ready to read what will be entirely objective and authoritative advice on the journey ahead.
1. Come in with a plan.
Your classmates already know what it is they’ll be doing long term, and so should you. When firms ask what practice area you’re interested in, tell them toxic torts, or better yet, admiralty law. Public service folks, this applies to you as well. First semester 1L is the time to specialize, and it’s better to set that life plan in stone, fast, than worry about tomorrow.
Furthermore, you should literally come in with a plan. Class will be a bloodbath. Use the student directory to identify prime targets for sabotage based on their LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, or whatever you can find, really. This is essential to success at UVA, and those who prepare ahead and bank their time tend to do better in the long run.[3]
2. Prove your worth at every possible moment.
Professors will appreciate it and peers will envy it; raise your hand. This is the path to both interpersonal and academic success that so many chill, friendly, lovable people seem to miss—this school is all about posturing. You should make it known, loudly and often, just how much work you’ve been doing so that you can compare productivity as a measure of success. Rambling hypotheticals which reveal the inner workings of your mind are a surefire way to earn that Research Assistant position over the summer.[4] In short, work it, baby.
3. Legal Research and Writing should take up the majority of your time.
As one of the most important skills for your future, this should be one of your top priorities.[5] If you’re not spending at least 50% of your free time preparing for these assignments, you’ve missed the point.
4. For the third year in a row, using your middle initial when signing is a must.
In accord with former satire editor, Drew Calamaro (’21), I would like to reiterate his sage advice. “Using your middle initial tells people you are smart, you are capable, and that you absolutely do not have an inflated ego.” Despite the political and social upheavals that have come since I began law school so long ago, this advice remains immutably correct, unchanging like the craters of the moon. Use your middle initial—you’re going to be a juris doctor.
5. Make use of the class recordings.
One small silver lining from the pandemic has been the vast technological advances made in educational spaces. These advancements are proof of the resiliency, ingenuity, and commitment of the UVA Law community. One of the most helpful changes came in the form of class recordings. These ensured that students didn’t feel pressured to choose between coming to class while possibly sick or just missing class altogether.
These recordings are clearly here to stay. It makes no sense to invest the necessary overhead into employing measures which purely add to the educational value of our program, only to tear them away from students. Luckily, this logic is apparent to all. So, be prepared to make heavy use of this resource! Truly, class recordings not only aided many students in studying for exams, but also helped to keep the community safe during frightening times. After a success like this, it’s clear that class recordings are here to stay.
6. Dating within the law school is a healthy and fun idea.
This one’s coming to you from the Law Weekly as a collective: be they KJD or PA, gunner or gooner, shoot your shot. It’s a good idea that needs no further reflection.
7. Parking tickets are more of a suggestion than a mandate.
It wouldn’t be a full experience at North Grounds if you made it out without at least one parking ticket. Like Bodo’s, this is a Charlottesville bucket list experience. And, the best part is, you don’t have to pay them! They’re just a fun little joke by the school to help students feel connected to the rest of the community, those not paying $60,000+ a year to make use of the facilities.[6]
8. If you get behind on readings, don’t worry.
While it’s true that your law school career is probably over, there’s other employment for you out there. And you’d probably be able to handle the workload at the business school.
9. Office hours are for chumps.
The only people who go to office hours are those who need help—not you, you monolith of a worker, you. It’s true that no man is an island, but in the great words of Eowyn, “I am no man[, I’m a law student.]” So buckle down, find yourself a Wilson of your own, and get ready to be riding solo. Collegiality is a lie, natural selection is the truth, and tearing pages out of library textbooks is the path to success. In short: don’t go to office hours. Your brilliant questions will only aid those lower on the totem pole than you.
10. Focus on softball.
If you only take one thing from these tips, know that softball is a glorious time for budding friendships, physical activity, and ruthlessly hitting homeruns over the least-experienced player plopped in right field. As has been the trend, you should always be asserting your dominance, and this means both off and on the diamond. Break the curve and break their spirit.
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jtp4bw@virginia.edu
[1] This is not legal advice and should not be taken as such.
[2] Referencing class size and not the workload. It’s really not high school.
[3] You can decide what “better” really means to you.
[4] This is a necessary step in your 14-step path to your end goal.
[5] This is sincere advice—research and writing are important skills.
[6] Otherwise, free of charge!