Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Satire Editor & Photographer
Welcome back to the real world, you technologically advanced heathens. It’s time to sit down, shut up, and realize we’ve lost all the social skills we went into this pandemic with.[1]
Our first edition of tips will revolve around the bathroom, although don’t fool yourself, this will not be a comprehensive bathroom discussion. The dos and don’ts of bathroom behavior are many and varied; it would be the height of hubris to assume that I could even cover them all, especially in a measly 600 words. However, today we start with an important point that may be difficult for some of the chattier among us to handle:[2] don’t talk to people, certainly not strangers, while they’re using the bathroom.
I know, I know, it’s been a long time since you’ve seen a friendly face. It’s hard not getting to talk to and interact with those we know and love since March 2020. However, today I ask you to steel your nerves. Don’t do it. Don’t talk to the guy at the urinal. Don’t engage the girl in the stall next to you in conversation. Even the sinks aren’t appropriate. Truthfully, the bathroom is not the place for conversations, let alone introductions.
I understand the desire, really, I do. Bathrooms are a safe space. One should feel comfortable at all times, but certainly in the safety of a public restroom. However, I must emphatically tell you: this is neither the time nor space to make friends. That is not my definition of comfort, nor is it likely the relative stranger’s, who you are currently considering striking up a conversation with.[3] Bathrooms are places of business, where people get things done, and get out. Consider the bathroom akin to a New York firm. The only handwringing done should be over the sink—and it should be done in silence.
For many of you, this advice will be difficult to follow, but not impossible. For those of you reading this and thinking, “How, Jonathan, how can you expect me to handle[4] this pressure? This burden? How will I ever relieve myself[5] of the pent-up stress and anxiety that has grown over the course of these years?” I answer: do it not for yourself, not for me, but for your peers. Those who have also suffered in silence, toiled in turmoil, and wiped away[6] their tears alone, disheartened, for so long. They may not be ready, in fact, they likely are not, to engage in conversation with a stranger directly after, or worse, during, what should be a moment of blissful relief.
And, finally, don’t ever engage in physical contact in a bathroom, regardless of how benign it might seem to you in the moment. Again, I understand, I truly do, that for those of us who cite “physical touch” as their #1 love language, this pandemic has been difficult. However, again, the bathroom is neither the time, nor the space, to fulfill this need. Remain strong and continue on in isolation for as long as it must take to exit the bathroom. I promise there’s a perfectly good dog out there somewhere for you to pet that will satisfy this need. And that dog is not the person standing at the urinal, or whose feet you can see beneath the stall as you ask yourself “is someone in there?”
In sum: don’t do it. Leave people alone in the bathroom. They’ll thank you later, in a more reasonable environment to be exchanging pleasantries, as opposed to toiletries.
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jtp4bw@virginia.edu
[1] For some of us, including the author of this piece, this may not be a very devastating loss.
[2] Do you see the pun here?
[3] Dear God, if I am that relative stranger, you and I will have a problem reaching far into the future.
[4] There it is again.
[5] Another one.
[6] Are you getting tired of these yet?