Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor
Florida Man wrestles alligator.[1] Florida Man uses bath salts to attempt cannibalism. Florida Man voluntarily enters a Hardy’s Jr. These are all headlines that would be common in a newspaper within my wonderful state. And you should be thankful for these headlines. They are a function of the one good trailblazing law that my home boasts: the Sunshine laws.[2] It is easy to find such stories because the law has allowed much easier access to arrest and incident records than other states. So, in the vein of my countrymen and women, I provide you with the same content. I am a Florida Man who made a bad decision, and it is your right, under the Law School’s sunshine laws used by this esteemed “newspaper,” to hear about this. As a Florida Man, I am accustomed to three things: (1) Making fun of tourists, (2) the aforementioned innate lack of decision-making skills, and (3) warm weather. It is a surprise, I am sure, to hear that not only did I choose to go to a cold place for college and law school, I also chose to spend part of my break in cold, bitter, freezing Colorado rather than stay at home with my parents in Melbourne, Florida.[3]
Picture courtesy of Sai Kulkarni '23.
The trip began with a drive to the home of my best friend Parker Kelly ’23 in Steamboat Springs, CO.[4] The snow was stacked above my admittedly short body. Now I had previously lived in areas that get snow, but this was different. Snow was the nature. Snow was the road. Snow was the homes. It was all snow. I was (appropriately) terrified of what the trip would be. The next morning, we woke to even more snow. And then my genius of a best friend decided to get everyone into his hot tub. Outside. In the cold. And, although I am sure you know, that involved being in freezing temperatures in my shorts. Getting in was horrible. Staying in was paradise. Getting out was my worst nightmare. Wet and cold is the worst combination known to humankind. To quote my other closest friend, Sarah Walsh ’23, humans were not intended to live in such a place.
The next day we went skiing. To start with, it was fun. I was incredibly privileged to get such an experience, something most people will never get to do in their entire lives. However, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I am a Florida Man. I know how to swim. I can play basketball. Outdoor sports are my jam—in the warm weather. To anyone who knows what skiing is, all I can say is that my embarrassment stemmed from the fact that I could not get down Preview without falling on my ass at least ten times. To those of you without experience, it is like getting lapped by a six-year-old repeatedly—a thing that actually happened. But despite all the embarrassment, it is safe to say that it brought me and my wonderful teacher, Parker, closer together, as all trauma does. However, I (wisely) chose not to make the same mistake twice and stayed at the house on the second day with a few other sensible souls rather than make the same bad decision twice in a row. That, however, was not the end of the experience.
In addition to the usual debauchery and partying that ensues when a group of law school friends decides to take a trip together, on my last full day in Colorado, we decided to go to some hot springs. Now I am sure, dear reader, that you must be thinking, wow, what a warm activity, that can’t possibly be a bad decision. Nope, wrong again. First, we all worked out[5] at a high elevation and tired ourselves. Then, to my horror, we did indeed go into the hot springs. Outside. Did I mention it was snowing that day? Because it was. Once again, getting in was easy. Staying in was fantastic. Getting out made me literally see the ancestors.[6] Once I returned to earth, we all changed, went to an amazing candy shop, and had a very fancy dinner.
In sum, I had a good time. But also, it was a series of bad decisions in the eyes of my fellow Florida Men. Letting children embarrass me. Almost dying of the cold. Almost certainly breaking my tailbone. This Florida Man did a ski trip and faced the consequences. It’s really no wonder I ran away a day early.
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omk6cg@virginia.edu
[1] Throughout this article I refer to Florida Man. Of course, there is a Florida Woman as well. And one can hope that headlines will adapt to Florida Person to include our nonbinary brethren. This phrase is used as a shorthand in my article due to the famous meme.
[2] Laws that shed sunshine on incidents. Clever naming, right? Hard to think that a Florida Man came up with that.
[3] Yes. My hometown has a name akin to the famous city in Australia. Other than proximity to the beach, the two places have nothing in common. My dad is fond of the name thing and took us to the other city. It is better.
[4] What we learned on this trip, as a group, was that while Parker was an excellent host, his younger brother Griffin is objectively cooler.
[5] Which is good and I am glad we did this. Working out in the new year. Looking like a bunch of new year’s resolution people. Definitely good.
[6] They vibe checked me. I have to make some changes.