Ethan Brown ‘25
Features Editor
It’s the loveliest time of year at UVA Law: course selection. Each fall, about eight weeks from finals, we get to forget about the classes we’re actually enrolled in and instead focus our energies on deciding what classes will consume our lives in the spring. I always find this to be welcome news, because searching for and adding classes to my LCS list feels productive but requires no brainpower, unlike the thirty-five page paper I’m procrastinating.
But despite being very excited by many of the classes that our faculty are offering next semester, I have a few suggestions for classes I’d like to see added to the Course List, too. I’ve already done Dean Dugas ’01 and faculty members the courtesy of writing the course descriptions, so really, I see no excuse for these not being promptly added to my LCS log.
Uncivil Procedure
You’ve taken 1L Civil Procedure, but now, learn how to navigate the federal court system like a complete and utter jerk. Welcome to Uncivil Procedure. In this three-credit class, you’ll learn how to get under the skin of opposing counsel by everything from cleverly skirting around their discovery requests to the point of infuriation, to belittling them based on the law school they went to. Enrollment is limited to the most annoying gunners from your 1L section. If none come to mind, then surprise! You’re that gunner. Uncivil Procedure has automatically been added to your schedule accordingly.
Vampire Law (SC)
Inspired by the hit TV show What We Do In The Shadows, a mockumentary profiling the lives of three vampires in suburban Staten Island, this one-credit short course delves into the intricacies of vampire law. Topics include: jurisdictional authority of the Vampiric Council; legal and ethical considerations regarding the slaughter of innocents for their blood; intestate succession of the undead; and tort reform to provide a cause of action for dignitary torts involving a familiar’s request to be “turned” by a vampire other than his master.[1]The class runs during the coldest week of January from Monday, January 22 to Saturday, January 27,[2] from the stroke of midnight until the first sign of dawn. Professor’s identity unknown.[3]
Law and Attachment Styles Colloquium[4]
A lot of law students are in therapy. Who knew that putting a bunch of insecure, competitive, Type-A people who’ve based their entire worth on external validation for two decades might cause some heartache. But don’t worry; your maladaptive ways of coping with trauma and stress fit in neatly with the practice of law, which sustains itself on the constant neurosis of its practitioners!
In this four-credit class that gets curved to a B at the end of the semester—no floating curve for this bad boy!—students with Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized attachment styles will learn how being a lawyer will embolden their most toxic traits. For example, anxious students will be able to engage in simulations where their strong fear of authority-figure abandonment causes them to overcommit to projects in their first six months of Big Law. Avoidant students will get a glimpse at how they’ll shut out loved ones—and fall into a chasm of loneliness—as they navigate representing their first criminal defendant in court.
Academic Credit for Journals
LOL, what an unbelievable thought, even to this satire writer.
Constitutional Law XXX
We’ve all taken (or will soon take) Constitutional Law, and many UVA Law students have also taken a second sequence of the course aptly entitled “Constitutional Law II.” Those classes have historically tackled important topics like religious liberty, freedom of speech and the press, and poverty. But now try Constitutional Law XXX: Obscenity (which imports the Law School’s jovial Roman numeral tradition for these courses as a clever nod to its content.) Imagine how sick this one’s going to look on your transcript.
Passive-Aggressive Litigation Clinic
This yearlong clinic offers students a masterclass in passive-aggressive lawyering. Participants will learn how to apply their legal research, writing, and oral advocacy skills to future situations in their career where open negativity is discouraged, such as in the workplace or the courtroom. Students can expect to learn how to best use curt turns of phrase in emails to junior associates, how to communicate intense disdain through non-verbal cues, and how to convey a sense of unbridled disgust with those around you in just a few words.
After the first semester, students will be assigned to clients in need of passive-aggressive lawyering in the Charlottesville area. For example, some students can expect to help locals with drafting text messages to their far flung children, guilt-tripping them over not coming home for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. Others may be assigned to the local office of the DMV, assisting those who need cutting yet subtle insults to direct towards the innocent people working there.
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bwj2cw@virginia.edu
[1] Fans of the show who actually understand these references should listen to my boyfriend’s WWDITS show rewatch podcast, Brain Scramblies, available on Spotify. I promised him a promo.
[2] Vampire Law does not meet on Sundays, because duh.
[3] Because vampires are not a protected class under Title VII, they may not be protected from employment discrimination on the basis of their vampirism.
[4] Not endorsed by CAPS.