Ethan Brown ‘25
Staff Editor
People say lightning doesn’t strike twice, but as you might have seen in last week’s issue, I feel very strongly about HBO’s hit series The White Lotus—perhaps too strongly. After authoritatively ranking some of Season 2’s characters, I now feel compelled to go back in time and evaluate where it all started: Season 1. So put on your best floral shirt and come with me to the sandy shores of Hawaii, where we met the original cast of horrible, despicable, absolutely-no-good characters that piqued my interest in the show to begin with.
Bottom Tier
The Entire Mossbacher Family
I’m assuming at this point that if you—the humble reader—are committing to the bit of reading not one but TWO articles concerning a random gay boy’s meditations on White Lotus characters, you’ve probably watched the show. So I’ll cut to the chase: Every single member of the Mossbacher family is a stinker.
Matriarch Nicole, played by Connie Britton (love her work), comes off at first as a power CEO #girlboss but is actually an unsympathetic #badperson. She almost had me in the first half of the season. “Awh,” I thought. “She’s doing her best juggling her stressful job and her family.” Tender! But at every turn, Nicole takes the lazy way out. In dealing with her annoying-ass son, Quinn, who can’t go two seconds without looking at a phone, does she try to engage with him and get to the root of his tech addiction? No. She just buys him a new iPhone and ships it to the resort. When her performative and vindictive daughter, Olivia, challenges her on what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace, does she have a genuine conversation with her only daughter about removing barriers to access? No. She says straight white men, like Quinn and her husband Mark, are the ones truly suffering in the contemporary workplace. But honestly, who can blame Nicole for being a bit of a mess, cutting corners when it’s easy for her? Her husband Mark is too busy crying about the fact that his dad was a receptive partner in gay sex (let alone that HE DIED OF AIDS, which, I don’t know, seems a bit more devastating!). Honestly, I’d have been so happy to have let these four stew in their own dysfunction after the first episode and to have never seen them again.
Paula
Olivia Mossbacher’s college friend joins the family on their trip, too. Maybe it’s my guilt from having gone on some lovely trips before with the families of friends and significant others, but girl, respect the cardinal rule of travel: If someone invites you somewhere nice and pays for thousands of dollars of your accommodations, dining, and entertainment, don’t be a spoilsport who sulks every meal and gets high in the living room. Etiquette, my dude.
Tanya
I have no more words to describe my contempt for this woman. See Virginia Law Weekly, February 8, 2023.
Middle Tier
Rachel
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. I have lots of empathy for her, because I imagine realizing that your husband sucks while on your honeymoon is a bit of a sticky wicket. But I can’t put Rachel in the Top Tier because her realization begs the question: How on god’s green Earth did it take you this long?
Shane is objectively an awful person—I couldn’t even put him ON this list or I’d have gotten too feisty to do my readings afterwards. He’s petty, petulant, and childish; there’s also a one-in-one chance that he cheats on Rachel the instant she turns thirty-five. So I can obviously respect Rachel’s deep disappointment and hurt at realizing her marriage is a mistake. But I have to cast some serious doubt on her decision making that it took her this long to wake up. And did she really think that going to fancy resorts in Hawaii and TAHITI with other rich people was going to make her anal retentive partner somehow less annoying? Her’s is a tragic story, but one that she let herself roll right into.
Armond
Armond is such a mixed bag. Pros: Self-possessed. Witty. A relatable “every-man” character who effectively represents the audience’s disgust with the resort clientele. Gay icon. Dope outfits. Cons: His rampant sexual harassment of his employees. The fact that I had to see his CGI-generated poop.[1] But as a big fan of Looking, another HBO show I would highly recommend, I already loved actor Murray Bartlett before this season, and it’s hard not to adore Armond’s character as a result. To be honest, he’s only in the Middle Tier because it would have been simply too easy to put him in the Top Tier, and that is not the sort of rigorous journalism the Law Weekly is renowned for worldwide.[2]
Lani
Do any of you remember the resort employee in the first episode who gave birth, served as a focal point for the entire hour-long program, and then we absolutely never saw her again? Until I looked at HBO’s website to refresh my memory of the season’s characters and saw her, I didn’t. I hope she is well.
Top Tier
Belinda
Belinda deserves everything. Watching her get led on by Tanya—who promises to support her bold idea for a holistic wellness center, only to crush her hopes when Tanya starts seeing Greg—was genuinely heartwrenching. While I bemoaned watching that, I cheered in equal measure when Belinda put her foot down later in the season, refusing to provide guidance to a sobbing Rachel after hours. From what we see of Belinda, she is kind, thoughtful, and fiercely competent. I was sad to only see her strictly through the eyes of the resort’s guests, which I know was a conscious directing choice but disappointed me nonetheless. I live in a dream world where, after Armond’s death, Belinda took over as manager, embezzled millions of dollars from the resort’s coffers, and started a new life in a party city. Because she earned it.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey once more. I’ll see you all again for a Season 3 recap, god willing, at some point in the near future!
---
bwj2cw@virginia.edu