Ryan Moore ‘25
Staff Editor
As a proud Ohioan, I find most of the South to be a weird, alien world.[1] So, when I was first assigned this article on Belk, I thought I was being trolled. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Belk is an American department store chain and apparently a staple of Southern culture. The store was founded in 1888 by William Henry Belk,[2] a South Carolinian merchant. In true Southern fashion, his father (Abel Nelson Washington Belk) was killed in 1865 by Union troops “for refusing to divulge the whereabouts of [a family] gold mine.”[3] Cause of death: drowning.[4]
Speaking of Southern fashion, Belk’s tagline has, since 2010, been “Modern. Southern. Style.” I have no idea what it is now.[5] The store sells Southern-style clothes, shoes, cosmetics, and other fashion accessories. But after hearing Belk also offers a wedding registry, my wife[6] was insistent on experiencing this monument to Southern culture firsthand, and not just because I promised to buy her one item if she accompanied me.
I’m sad to report that after visiting the one Belk store in the Charlottesville area, I was left very unimpressed. To commemorate my disappointment, I will be ranking the six worst items I found at Belk. This will be the worst insult inflicted on the South by an Ohioan since General Sherman’s March to the Sea.[7]
Sixth: Floral Sandals
I included these because there is nothing too egregious about them, but I think they’re mistimed when it’s 40 degrees and rainy outside.
Fifth: “Hideous” Purse
I personally think all purses look the same, but my wife insisted this “hideous” purse should be ranked within the top five.
Fourth: “Blessed” Handbag
I’ve stared at this handbag for twenty minutes, and I can’t understand how it costs $109.99 (plus tax). Is it the material? The beads? Did an actual priest bless it? The world will never know.
Third: Beer Body Soap
Whenever I think of Busch or Budweiser beer, I naturally think of body soap. In all seriousness, why would you want to rub a product on your body that tastes like pee in its liquid form?
Second: “Coal Miner” Face Wash
What could be more masculine than beer soap? A face wash named after a dying profession in a declining industry. I guarantee you actual coal miners are not using this product. They prefer the Dove Sensitive Skin Beauty Bar.
First: Hippie Tom and Jerry T-Shirt
Out of everything I saw at Belk, this t-shirt truly surprised me. A tie-dyed shirt featuring the 1940s cartoon cat and mouse Tom and Jerry is weird enough. But printing “Be One With Nature” on the front? While Tom and Jerry smile at each other, surrounded by flowers? Did the designer of this t-shirt even watch a Tom and Jerry cartoon?
Overall, I left Belk very unimpressed. Every dying department store looks and feels the same, but somehow, Belk managed to imprint its famous Southern style on late-stage capitalism. My wife sums up the store as “the perfect place for a ‘mother of the bride’ dress.” I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. But I do know that I never should have crossed the Mason-Dixon line in the first place.
---
tqy7zz@virginia.edu
[1] And I’ve lived in Phoenix, Arizona. (Have you ever seen a cholla?)
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belk.
[3] I kid you not. https://www.ncpedia.org/biography/belk-william-henry.
[4] Id.
[5] What am I, a reporter?
[6] Who is an actual reporter.
[7] Little known fact: General Sherman was born in Ohio.