Stephen Foss '25
Social Media Editor
Decisions by committee are not easy. To make matters worse, when that committee is made up of T-14 law students (who know everything about everything), settling on a solid softball team name is all but impossible. But you did it! You and your section mates picked a name. And some of them suck. So, let’s talk about it.
These rankings are definitive and final. I have sought input from every corner of the Law School to compile these rankings. The criteria are simple: vibes.[1] I don’t know what exactly makes a good softball name, but, as former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously said when trying to define hard-core pornography, "I know it when I see it.”[2]
First Place: The Acqu-Hitters (Section A)
This is a rock-solid name. The pun is seamless, not too much of a reach, and not a mouthful. I like it. This name showcases a mastery of the English language and a grasp of the basic concepts of softball—which is what most members of the NGSL also possess.
Second Place: Hoos on First (Section F)
This is a great UVA softball team name. Excellent, even. With references to the school nickname and the classic Abbott and Costello bit, this name is class personified. Throw in some parentheses to emphasize your section letter (i.e., “(F)irst”) and you may have had a title shot.
Third Place: The Hit ’N Runners (Section H)
This is a very good softball name. It makes sense contextually and has a tasteful balance of legal and softball puns. Furthermore, it is also instructive and informative, which is helpful for first time softballers.
Honorable Mention:
Limited Liability Marlins (The LL.Ms)
The longer you stare at this name the sillier it becomes and the less sense it makes. It’s adorable, the intention is there, but it doesn’t really make sense. It’s fine. There is a legal concept involved, there is a baseball team name, and they’re smashed together. But something is missing. But I think it’s really cute.
Somewhere in the Middle:
Legal-Es (Section E)
This name is lacking in the softball department, but it’s sufficiently charming and will probably look good on a t-shirt. It should be noted that, when this name was submitted, the team captains misspelled the word “legal,” which, besides being hilarious, is incredibly worrying.
Grand Slam Jury (Section G)
This is nicely done. It kind of seems like something ChatGPT would churn out if you prompted it to make up a softball name for law students, but it totally works on all the arbitrary levels I am judging this on. The main problem with this name is that it doesn’t roll off the tongue.
J’accuse (Section J)
I get it. I understand the reference. I don’t like it very much, but trusted advisors assure me that this is a great name. As a former section J man, I wish this name resonated more. Besides being fun to say, it leaves me wanting.
Default Judgmitt (Section D)
Look, you checked some boxes, you hit some puns like all names should. However, you somehow managed to fill these check boxes while choosing the most unexciting concept from the least interesting class.[3] That’s where you’ve lost points. And it kind of looks ugly? Again, vibes.
Almost in Last: Benchwarmers (Section B)
This name is overused, lazy, uninspired, underwhelming, lacking, middling, meh. “The Section B Softball Team” would have been better. This is the type of name that someone whose favorite condiment is mayonnaise would pick.
Basically Last: Intent to Harm (Section I)
I might not get it. Truly, I may be missing something. The pun might be going over my head, but I have no idea what Section I is going for here. Did you just regurgitate the last thing you heard in class by accident? As far as I can tell, this name has nothing to do with softball, sports, or the letter I (besides there being an I). Is this a mission statement? Again, maybe I’m missing something. Congratulations on not being dead last—don’t let it go to your head.
Dead Last: Sec C Hoos (Section C)
This is so lame. You are all probably wonderful people, but really? The lot of you got together and decided this was the one? Did you think you nailed it? You did, didn’t you? After Section C of the Class of 2025 dominated the 1L softball scene, it’s a shame to see their progeny stoop to such lameness. Maybe there is some background to this name that I don’t know about and this section is crazy hot.[4] This name is kind of funny, though. But not really.
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css7aj@virginia.edu
[1] If you don’t agree with your section’s ranking, and you have a chip on your shoulder because your section got ranked dead last your 1L fall, join the Law Weekly so you can write next year’s article.
[2] Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964). See also Ted Lasso (Season 1) (before it went downhill).
[3] No disrespect to Civil Procedure, big Michael Collins fan.
[4] Unlikely. The median LSAT for the Class of 2026 was a 171.