Nicky Demitry '26
Production Editor
As the saying goes, “those who can’t do, teach,” and those that can’t do or teach write advice columns in their law school’s satire paper. So let’s get into it—stress management, coming to you straight from the individual who pulled on her eyebrows and eyelashes in a rhythmic and dissociative trance so often when studying for the LSAT that her doctor likened her behavior and appearance to that of a diseased parrot.
We all know the rote responses for stress management: exercise, sunshine, good sleep, hydration, nutritious food, and community support. If you regularly engage in these practices, this is not for you. Move on. Go run a 5k, you gunner. For the rest of you, follow these simple tricks. Local doctors hate her!
1. Consume sugar. I know it’s bad for you. I don’t care. Consume these sugars, specifically: Thai tea croissant from Camellia’s, mousse au chocolat from Cou Cou Rachou, the cake flight from Cake Bloom.
2. Consume salt. Specifically, the pretzel croissant from Marie Bette, Jack Brown’s cheese fries, Marco & Luca dumplings, breakfast biscuit sandos from Multiverse Kitchen. Also, Taco Bell.
3. Consume nature. You don’t have to exercise, just sit outside. Maybe look at a star. It’s not eighty degrees in November anymore, as of yesterday. Climate change isn’t real, and you’re definitely gonna have a livable planet upon which to live out your days practicing law.
4. Beg and plead with yourself/pretend you are someone you are not. Resort to cajoling and bribery. For example: for every page of outlining, you get to watch one episode of Star Trek. Realize that the ratio for Star Trek to expenditures of labor is way, way off. Panic!
5. Get into some interpersonal disagreements. Alienate those close to you, then realize what you’re doing and scramble to fix things. The urgency of this will distract you from the stress of law things. It definitely will not make everything worse.
Things you should actually avoid, at least in their excess form:
1. Alcohol. I know, I can’t believe I—the queen of boxed wine—is saying it either. But it’s a depressant and it won’t really help. If you’re drinking to the point of stress relief, it’s arguably going to be more detrimental for getting back to the grind the next day, which in turn causes further stress. However, no need to impose a total moratorium. Adopt a Mediterranean approach! A glass of wine is basically breakfast for us. Sit outside when you drink it. If you want to really get into it, whip out the chess board and challenge randoms as they walk by you.
2. Being extremely mean to yourself. If you can’t convince yourself to be nice to yourself based on self-esteem and having a childhood filled with unconditional love, remember that being very internally harsh is at best self-absorption and, at worst, manipulation. Great, now you’re an even worse person. A really good person wouldn’t waste so much time hating themselves. Now you hate yourself more. You play the victim so much I’m surprised you don’t carry around your own body chalk. You have created an inescapable ouroboros of misery. Oh god.
Maybe take a second to interrogate why you’re being so harsh with yourself: Do you think you’ll be able to guilt, shame, or harass yourself into being a more ideal version of yourself? Has it ever worked before? Have you ever seen it work with someone else? Elaborate. Now you’re journaling! The internet says that’s healthy. Look at you go. Write it up and submit it to the Law Weekly. Talk to your friends, don’t get a haircut.
But in all seriousness, be realistic and also reasonable with yourself. You aren’t perfect. It is okay to be upset and it is okay to feel disappointed. It’s okay even to be stressed. Life will continue on regardless of your ennui. Try, gently, to maintain perspective. As my dad would always tell me when I was young and positively racked with anxiety about every aspect of existence: “You get to keep your birthday.” It’s a nonsensical-ish phrase that annoyed me so much when I was a child that it would actually knock me out of my panic for a second. As I got older I decided I liked it. You can bomb tests, forget important dates and tasks, and tank interviews, but no matter what, you get to keep your birthday.
And you can always double down on benders and self-loathing after finals. Balance. <3
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ncd8kt@virginia.edu