Aubrey “Drake” Graham (1986–2025) — Gone Too Soon (But Not From the DMs)
We gather today to mourn the tragic passing of Aubrey “Drake” Graham’s career, which was officially pronounced dead on February 9, 2024, following a brutal halftime show assassination by rapper Kendrick Lamar. Despite surviving years of meme ridicule, ghostwriting allegations, and oddly close friendships with underage actresses, Drake’s career fought bravely before succumbing to excessive subliminals and a crip-walking Serena Williams, who may or may not have been dancing on the grave of Certified Lover Boy itself. Drake’s spirit reportedly attempted to slide into one last set of teenage DMs before the Wi-Fi at the pearly gates cut him off.
Drake, a former child actor turned global music phenomenon, spent over a decade crafting emotional anthems for both bottle-service VIPs and lonely men texting their exes at 2 a.m. However, no amount of Toronto winters, scented candles, or whispered "6 God" prayers could prepare him for the final blow: Kendrick, a maestro of destruction, eviscerating his legacy on the world’s biggest stage while America watched in awe. Reports confirm that even Drake’s long-lost son, Adonis, was seen nodding in reluctant approval. Thank you, Kendrick, for reminding us that real hip-hop doesn’t involve texting teenagers “haha you’re so mature for 15, it’s actually crazy 🤯.”
He leaves behind a confused fanbase, an empty Notes app apology draft, and a cryptic Instagram story that simply reads, “They ain't even let me hoop yet.” A private memorial service will be held at an undisclosed Nobu location with an oddly lax ID policy, where industry plants, confused TikTok influencers, and a suspicious number of teenage actresses will gather to mourn. In lieu of flowers, please send your best "wyd?" text to a peer your own age. Rest in peace, Champagne Papi—the bottle service just hit last call.
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ncd8kt@virginia.edu
