VLW Restroom Review
It’s the article you have all been waiting for: a fully subjective, poo-litical ranking of UVA’s restrooms. You may be wondering what criteria were used to make these decisions. Answer: vibes. The categories are: royal vibes, comfortable vibes, meh vibes, and dire vibes.
MEN:
Starting off with a classic, no bathroom is as popular, well-traveled, or consistently engaging as Walter Brown Hall south. As the nearest men’s bathroom to eight (count ‘em, eight) lecture halls and a prominent position in the crossroads between the south-east exit, Brown Hall basement, and Clay Hall, Brown Hall south is bustling at any hour of the day. With capacity to boot, four stalls and six urinals, a veritable seminar of on-the-go cross-talk is available to any precocious law student on their way out the door, just arriving, or on a class break. Just stay aware when using the drinking fountain, inconveniently placed directly in front of the long thin hallway to the bathroom’s entrance. WB South gets royal (yet certainly not comfortable) vibes, but only if you bring the whole royal court.
If one truly wanted to disappear totally and completely, I would suggest they begin with the eastern neut’es (pronounced “nooches”) in the hallway next to the northern law library entrance. For those that need a little privacy, whether it be to slip in or out of a suit, to unintentionally watch twenty to twenty-five minutes of a Lego Star Wars let's play while on a study break, or to simply *go to the bathroom,* the eastern neut’es offer a stunning amount of privacy. The seldom-traveled hallway, just off the main drag provides both accessibility and a feeling of luxurious seclusion. The cadre of bathrooms is almost always open and provides perfectly adequate furnishings inside. A high ceiling contrasts oddly with the warm, soft, 80s wood-paneled rec-room lighting. It’s hauntingly familiar . . . like a dream from long ago. These restrooms are squarely comfortable.
The whirlwind of confusion that is the central Slaughter Hall bathroom is not to be treated lightly. Next to the western entrance of the law school and Purcell reading room, central Slaughter is where the unassuming law student is most likely to spot a law school outsider. These can be speakers giving a lecture in Purcell, community members attempting to find and attend lectures in Purcell (“It’s right there. Yep. Yeah, you got it.”), or hungover wedding attendees who wandered in off the street from the Kimpton (true story). Often these people aren’t matching the vibe of the student body (for which they can be forgiven), but they are strangers in a strange land, and making, by association, a strange bathroom experience. As for the furnishings, the actual bathroom is fine, except for one odd flaw. The wall upon which the urinal is affixed is just really big. Not quite large enough for two urinals, far too large for one. The experience of using it is somewhat like being a framed painting in a gallery. Utterly unnerving, and not helped by the adjunct trying to fix his tie in the mirror while rehearsing his lecture on export controls in the digital age. Decidedly dire.
WOMEN:
Unlike Brad, I struggle with the cardinal direction. So, landmarks I shall use.
First up, the palace that is Bathroom Near Student Affairs (BNSA). Veer left after grabbing some Goldfish Colors and you’ll find one of the best restrooms on Grounds. Not only is she seldom-traveled, but she comes with a multi-purpose bench and, of course, free pads and tampons. In preparation for this article and to ensure this bathroom lived up to its hype, I tested the dispenser to check that product was kept in stock, and low and behold, it was. My only little, teeny-tiny qualm with BNSA is the paper towel dispenser located a whole 5 steps from the sinks. The dripping is inevitable. Nonetheless, BNSA is crowned with royal vibes, but maybe like Prince Harry royal.
Next, I will strongly challenge Brad’s royal ranking of WB South. For me, and dare I say every woman, WB South gets meh, teetering on dire vibes. As my co-ranker pointed out, this tiny little bathroom was oh-so strategically placed in the highest-trafficked hallway of the law school. God forbid it’s 3:20pm and I need to run to the bathroom before class. Even if I wait in line long enough to get past the door, I’m just going to get hit in the head with it eight times by people looking in and saying “jeez, I’ll just hold it.” I may as well hike to BNSA. While you may think the multi-purpose bench they’ve placed in there would improve WB South’s ranking, think again.
Coming in last place for the girls: the ScoCo Latrine. Upon first visit, the ScoCo bathroom may seem like comfortable vibes. No multipurpose bench or anything but it’s relatively roomy and if avoided from 12-1pm, not too busy. But ScoCo Latrine has a hidden defect that automatically demotes it to dire vibes: premature flushing. You’re minding your own business and all of a sudden, before your business is over, comes a loud roar and violent splashing, immediately ruining all of your vibes. Recovering from that when there is someone in the stall next to you is rough. Pro-tip for the girlies (shoutout girl in my section for sharing this): before sitting down, place a piece of toilet paper over the motion detector to deactivate it.
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