Graham Pittman ‘19
Staff Satirist
In just three months since starting law school, first-year law student Brian Krantz has managed to completely alienate himself from all of his non-law school friends.
Although Krantz’ friends were initially supportive of his decision to pursue his dreams of becoming a lawyer, they became increasingly alarmed as their interactions with Krantz soon revolved exclusively around law school.
“Brian used to be a pretty cool guy, but he needs to chill out with this lawyer stuff,” said Jeff Holt, Krantz’ former roommate and childhood friend. “It’s like he’s completely incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t involve jurisprudence or gossip about his classmates who I’ve never met. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to explain to him that I have no idea what a tort is, much less why it’s funny that some guy in his section didn’t understand how Judge Learned Hand’s negligence calculus informed the development of duty of care in the American common law system.”
Other sources corroborated Holt’s assertions that Krantz has become insufferable since starting law school, citing numerous instances where he derailed perfectly normal conversation about non-legal topics by shoehorning in various Latin phrases and legalisms. “Brian’s been acting like he’s the next reincarnation of Justice Scalia ever since he took the LSAT. Like we get it, dude. You go to law school. We actually had to kick him out of our group chat a couple weeks ago after he went on a four-paragraph rant, including footnotes, about mens rea and something called the Exxon Doctrine after someone shared a meme about President Trump. I’m like 90 percent sure he hasn’t even taken a constitutional law class yet . . . ”
Krantz’s long-term girlfriend, Emily Johnson shared similar concerns. “I understand that long-distance relationships are supposed to be difficult, but we’ve really started running out of things to talk about. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be interested in the social dynamics of his study group or what he learned in Civil Procedure. Brian’s also been spending a lot of time with this one girl in his section, but he says not to worry about it because she has a long-distance boyfriend. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
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