Phil Tonseth ‘22
Staff Editor
Pro Squirrels: Squirrels Run the World
Squirrels are the true embodiment of the American spirit. Most importantly, they show the true grit that most Americans expect of and cheer for in the underdog. Squirrels are often counted out, left for the vultures as road kill, or seen as vermin. Yet, they survive. Everyday, squirrels wake up, pick themselves up by their bootstraps, and keep going. You are more like a squirrel than you even realize; allow me to enlighten you.
Law school is all about finding the easiest way to succeed, whether buying supplements, only signing up for afternoon classes, or eating at the free food table every day of the week. Squirrels are similarly resourceful. They learn from an early age how to steal every morsel of food, hence why they look frightened when you see them in the street. They don’t want to get arrested for a petty crime either. Also, they hoard food like it’s going out of style, similar to the kids that take five gummy pouches from the Dean of Snacks.
Even more applicable, squirrels are quintessential millennials. First, there’re so many of them. You can’t walk down the street around here without running into one, millennials and squirrels alike. Next, they act like they’re environmentally conscious and care about climate change. At least their accidental acorn planting contributes to new trees that produce oxygen, whereas millennials getting Starbucks to stop producing straws, while useful to turtles, doesn’t pack the same punch against climate change. Lastly, when they get lost or scared, squirrels and millennials alike, always run back to their moms in a panic.[1] When a baby squirrel is lost, they become trainable by humans and turn into adorable pets. Millennials just become “influencers.”
In such increasingly partisan times, squirrels are an animal we can rally around. Sure, they may faze you with their football worthy agility drills in front of your car or efforts to take unhealthy French fries away from you in the park, but they embody all that America stands for. John Winthrop eloquently opined in 1630, “We shall be as a city upon a hill, the eyes of all people are upon us." In establishing the foundation of the United States, the early settlers built this country through grit, hard work, and trees.[2] None of this would have been possible if squirrels hadn’t done their job, planting millions of trees throughout the country to ensure future generations could prosper. The hill that America stands on today isn’t made of acorns, as squirrels would prefer, but, in my humble and unbiased opinion, you have to respect the work that squirrels have put in.
This furry creature has caused a massive rift among the Law Weekly staff.
Ben Stievater ‘22
Staff Editor
Threats from Above: the Case Against Squirrels
Of all the creatures on God’s green earth, none terrify me more than squirrels. Yes, squirrels. It’s a long story not worth telling that definitely doesn’t involve years of trauma stemming from four-year-old me trying to pick one up only to run screaming for my mom when it lunged at me. The bottom line is that I despise them. I know what you’re thinking— squirrels are harmless, cute even, and this is a ridiculous phobia. You’d be in good company with a majority of people, specifically my sophomore-year-of-college Tinder date, Rachel, who never texted me back after I used her as a human shield while we were walking and a squirrel jumped in front of us. However, in a world where it’s normal to fear snakes and spiders but not these furry demons, I’m here to preach the truth of the animal kingdom: squirrels are public enemy number one.
Squirrel supporters will often tell you that they are “cute” or “fluffy” due to the fact that they have bushy tails. Shave the tail, however, and what are you left with? A RAT. Without their tails, squirrels bear an almost identical resemblance to their Black Plague-causing cousins. Rats are nearly universally abhorred as dirty and disease-ridden, so why, then, do we tolerate squirrels? Are we so impressionable as to be fooled by decorative evolutionary fluff?
Perhaps this resemblance alone wouldn’t bother me so much were it not for the fact that squirrels are so prevalent. Rats at least have the decency to stick to alleyways and sewers at night. No, squirrels will just sit there in groups of two or three and stare at you, taunting you with their presence and encroaching on the daytime as they monopolize the acorn trade. Their presence is particularly a problem on college campuses, where a few twisted people, who just want to watch the world burn, feed the squirrels, causing them to become a dangerous combination of hungry and fearless, which is coincidentally also the title of my law school memoir thus far that consists solely of tales of me wandering from room to room in W.B. during lunchtime.
The most concerning aspect of squirrels, however, is their pure athletic ability. They can jump, scurry, and climb in any direction at what amounts to a FRIGHTENING level of acrobatics. Worse still, they’re total spazzes and impossible to keep eyes on. One second they’re on the ground, zig-zagging to and fro, and the next they’re climbing backward up a tree to the higher ground. It’s over for you if it came to it. The only thing keeping you safe is their magnanimity, and only a fool would trust an acrobatic rat with that short of an attention span and the potential to strike from any angle. So think it through and say no to squirrels, or at least don’t laugh if you see me powerwalking in their opposite direction in the courtyard.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu
bes4cf@virginia.edu
[1] I perfected this practice after winning hide and seek in clothing racks at department stores. Don’t worry, I still call my mom weekly.
[2] Wood cabins were pretty popular, plus ships were made out of wood. All quite important.