Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor
As we start rolling into our fall semester, I want to dish out some more advice before mid-October, when the 1Ls begin to realize that they should’ve been outlining as they go along but it’s too late now and they will just wait until Thanksgiving break because they’ll definitely be productive and get it done then. Some aspects of this article should be discussed by PAs, but given that I know many of the PAs.... let’s just say that there are many stones left unturned in the advice department, despite that department being filled to capacity with warm bodies. So, without further ado, I give you advice for the rest of the semester.
Always sound as proper as possible in a cold call, and if they give you dirty looks, it is just because the intimidation tactic is working. Many would say you sound like an idiot when you use the word “one” instead of the colloquial “someone.” Others would say you sound full of yourself and pompous to the point of insufferability[1]. To that, I say nay! ‘Tis the weaker mind that is bothered by the advanced verbiage you are putting on display like a codpiece worn by Henry VIII[2]. Oh, how they will tremble as you say, “What if one were to instead entertain this hypothetical I don’t actually need to add to the conversation?” Surely the professor must give you an A- on this sentence alone! Can they not see how you rise above the rabble, the plebs who use the word “someone” like some uneducated dunce!? They will look upon you and see your magnificence for what it is, an ENTJ personality-type with a couple of ENTP results thrown in[3]. So, speak properly and carry a big stick, and when you are walking make sure it is no longer in the nether regions since you only have ten minutes to waddle to class.
Any sentence starting with “I feel” is the most important sentence you’ll listen to for the rest of your career and/or life. Many say that listening is just as important as talking in law school. I don’t buy it, but the times when it rings true are when you hear a classmate say “I feel” before diving into an unrelated example. You may think that entire conversation is useless, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. The professors are in fact required to take note of these special and rare occurrences, and sprinkle some of them into the final exams. So next time you think those moments are simply for someone to get a thought out to score points with a professor and impress their fellow students, check yourself. In law school, details matter, and sentences starting with “I feel” are the ones that change the world.
Do NOT mess up firm receptions since they will remember your face and full name. I didn’t get this piece of advice as a 1L and I wish I did! First, the number of receptions you get invited to, or attend, should absolutely matter, both to yourself and everyone around you. If you didn’t tell someone not attending a reception that you, in fact, are going to a reception that very night, you might as well have not gone at all. Receptions are a social currency that is unequaled in the school. They mean you are wanted, desired, even admired by the firm. Furthermore, you absolutely can mess up a reception and your chances at a job in general by forgetting a name or not having a factoid you found on their website ready to whip out at a moment’s notice. This is because firms only send their most trusted and put-together lawyers to conduct firm receptions, and they always return with a full report of faces, names, and things you said that their fellow firm-monkeys workers will go through with a fine-toothed comb. Thus, you should always be nervous for firm receptions, and never, EVER make good conversation unrelated to law school or lawyering—that is a trap I have seen many fall for and never recover from.
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dac6jk@virginia.edu