Corona (La Cerveza Mas Fina) v. Coronavirus (El Virus Menos Fino)
72 U.Va 21 (2020)
PICKETT, J. delivered the opinion of the Court.
I. Introduction
These past few weeks, the coronavirus has been wreaking havoc on the United States and around the world. It has led to online classes, and canceled trips, graduations, weddings, and more. Yet, there is one victim whose voice has not yet been heard before this court: Corona Beer. In this opinion, the Court finds Corona Beer to be the victim of trademark infringement and defamation of character, and puts an injunction on Coronavirus’s existence, demanding that it cease being a thing, for the love of God, please.
Rare are the opinions that a judge writes knowing they will define his tenure on the Court. I have written over two (2) opinions on this Court[1] and I have a strange feeling that this will be my most memorable one. Is it because I will single-handedly take down the pandemic that has forced us into social isolation and that has left an imprint on all of us that will assuredly haunt us for the rest of our lives? No. It’s because, in a way that would make the Office of Private Practice proud, I will assist a helpless multi-billion dollar brand stave off a threat to its reputation and trademark.
II. Facts
Corona is a beer (a pale lager, to be more specific) produced by Cervecería Modelo in Mexico and owned by AB InBev in Belgium. It is one of the top-selling beers worldwide. Corona is commonly served with a wedge of lime or lemon in the neck of the bottle to add tartness and flavor.
Coronavirus is a virus (a coronavirus, to be more specific). It is widely hated by the general public.
While the two seem completely different, a recent poll found that 38% of Americans would not buy Corona “under any circumstances” because of the coronavirus outbreak. Wow. While we don’t have time to unpack all of that, Corona (the beer) has subsequently reported a loss of $170 million.
Having had enough, Corona Beer has decided to file suit in the Court of Petty Appeals. They knew no other Court would permit them to sue a pandemic, but we are not a regular Court. We are a ~cool~ Court. And so here we are.
III. Trademark Infringement
Trademark infringement is an inherent betrayal of the principles of the United States of America. In our society, we have a right to name something and say that we are the only one who can use that name for a long period of time. It has led Paris Hilton to trademark “that’s hot;” to Beyoncé and Jay-Z attempting to trademark their daughter’s name (Blue Ivy); to Taylor Swift trademarking “This Sick Beat;” to Kylie Jenner trying to trademark “Kylie;” and, to our very own President Donald Trump trying to trademark “you’re fired.” So yes, trademark infringement is serious business.
I looked up the test for trademark infringement online and it is EIGHT steps long. That is absurd and much too long, especially for someone who, despite having more time than he has ever needed on his hands, struggles to accomplish anything given the overwhelming weight of self-dread that fills him anew each morning as he attempts to maneuver the new reality of life in a pandemic.[2] The test also demonstrates too much faith in the American people, who seem to be unable to differentiate between words if they have too many letters in common—see entitled and title; infamous and famous; bemused and amused.
My new test is more attuned to the American sensibility and can be broken down into two factors: (1) Does one party’s name fit into the other party’s name? If so; (2) Did the party’s name that fits have that name first?[3]
My test is also easily applied. In the case at issue, (1) Corona fits into Coronavirus; and (2) Corona came before Coronavirus…at least this global pandemic version of it. Wow, that WAS easy. Coronavirus is clearly in violation.
IV. Defamation of Character
As my mother, Deborah Pickett, once said, “Two things you don’t want compromised: your reputation and your credit.” Is that a strange thing to say? Yes. Is it a strange thing for my mother to say? No. In the United States we hold our reputations near and dear to our hearts—so much so that Taylor Swift named her most recent album Reputation, presumably after Kanye West and Kim Kardashian allegedly defamed her reputation.[4]
As with trademark infringement, I Googled the test for defamation of character. It had only three elements. But, you see, the elements didn’t really lead to the result I wanted and would have required more explanation than I have the patience for. So I took a page out of the United States Supreme Court’s reporter and decided to do what I needed to do to get me to the result I wanted.[5] So the new test for defamation of character is: Does something you do make someone else with whom you are associated look bad?
Is this an easily satisfied test? Yes. But unlike other Courts who are afraid of releasing broad opinions, I am going big. I am not hiding from a “floodgate of litigation;” in fact, I am encouraging it. Those Gunners in your section who constantly raise their hands and give your section a “gunnery” reputation? You could sue them for defamation of your character. See generally, Classmates v. Over-Enthusiastic Class Discussion Volunteers 1330 U.Va. 15, 8 (2019). That person that heats up fish in ScoCo at the same time you heat up your food, making it so that no one knows who warmed up the fish? You could sue. That person who parks badly in the parking lot who makes you have to park badly to adjust, making you look like an incapable driver? You could sue. That person who argues for optional pass/fail because they are more concerned about their GPA than the well-being of the students around them, making UVA look much less collegial? You could sue.
Given Corona Beer’s recent $170 million loss, America’s newfound fear of the delicious imported beverage, and Coronavirus’s above-stated violation of Corona Beer’s trademark, it is fairly obvious that Coronavirus and Corona Beer are associated. But has Coronavirus’s association with Corona Beer made Corona Beer look bad? Coronavirus has terrorized almost the entire world, leading to illness, death, online classes, canceled sports leagues, unemployment, and worse. So yes, I would say that being associated with Coronavirus makes you look pretty bad.
V. Conclusion
In these chaotic times, the judicial system becomes all the more important. It is for this reason that we find it necessary to hold Coronavirus accountable for its shocking and irresponsible behavior. Thus, we hold in favor of the plaintiffs and place an injunction on Coronavirus’s existence, ordering it to, as my mother phrased in a text message to me today, “self-implode,” “self-destruct,” or “render a state of nihilism.” Good touch, Mother.
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shp8dz@virginia.edu
[1] Four including this one.
[2] Too real?
[3] Also known as the “First-Come-First-Served” Doctrine.
[4] I was going to make that reference lengthier, but there is so much backstory to the Taylor Swift-Kanye West drama that you’re just going to have to look it up yourself. There’s even a new wrinkle with an extended release of the conversation between Taylor and Kanye just being released. Spicy.
[5] See Bush v. Gore, 531 U.S. 98 (2000).