Students v. Labor, Generally
73 U.Va 4 (2020)
Pickett, J. delivered the opinion of the Court
I. Introduction
As a 3L, there are few issues that fire me up enough to make me actually do something. Just as an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force, a 3L at rest will stay at rest until acted upon by severe injustice. And it is such an injustice that forces me to return to the bench for the first time since I sued the global pandemic that persists to this day.[1] Today I descend from the Ivory TowerTM to place an injunction on UVA Law students performing labor on Labor Day.
II. Facts
It was Friday, September 4, 2020 and Jeg McJones was looking forward to the weekend. She was excited about the extra day off, though she was disappointed that she wasn’t going to be able to wear white anymore (it is her favorite color).[2] Jeg was talking with another law student, Christina, about the long weekend when Christina informed her that there was no long weekend—we don’t get Labor Day off at UVA Law.
Jeg was shocked. How? I mean, she labors, right? Not in the traditional sense, maybe, but many would agree that sitting on her phone in the library with a book open, pretending to be productive for two hours, is, in fact, work.
Disgusted by this injustice, Jeg decided to file suit in the Court of Petty Appeals. She seeks an injunction against labor on Labor Day, which I modified to “Labor, Generally” since it sounded better.[3]
III. Textualist Argument
While there is no law that explicitly says workers must be given Labor Day off, it has long been held in the Law of Common Knowledge that “there shalt be no labor on Labor Day.” According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, labor is “an expenditure of physical or mental effort especially when difficult or compulsory” (emphasis added). Since performing work for law school counts as “labor” under this definition, law students should not be forced to work or attend class on Labor Day.
Law school requires both physical and mental effort. Physically, law students expend effort in various ways. They carry massive textbooks to and from classes. They cry at spontaneous times, running to reach the bathroom before other people see them. They scream into the endless void and they complain loudly to anyone who will listen. They press “join meeting” on their computers, and they press “leave meeting” on their computers—an endless cycle that makes them feel dead inside. These are all expenditures of effort.
Mentally, however, is where law students really expend their efforts. They maintain a willful blindness to the world around them as they try to figure out what a tort is. They struggle to accomplish anything given the overwhelming weight of the dread that fills them anew each morning as they attempt to maneuver the new reality of life in a pandemic. And perhaps most impressively of all, they manage to remain calm despite continually receiving emails talking about “strange and unusual times.”
On this textualist basis alone, I would grant the plaintiff’s injunction. But, there is still more to say.
IV. Substantive Due Process Right Not to Labor
I don’t remember much about Con Law. That is not the fault of my professor, Dean Goluboff, but instead the fault of Con Law, which, to be quite honest, is made up entirely.[4]
I do, however, remember there being a connection between substantive due process and history. And here is some history: Labor Day has existed for a long time and yet the Law School has not celebrated it. I don’t know if I can claim to be surprised given that UVA just started giving us MLK Jr. Day off last year (2019-2020) and is only now critically examining the racist legacy of Henry Malcolm Withers, the namesake of Withers Hall. Regardless, there is a history of no labor on Labor Day and that is enough for me to declare it a right for law students.
It is worth noting that there is a larger problem with Labor Day in society writ large. If this Court had a larger jurisdiction, I would give everyone a paid day of vacation, especially those who work so hard every day just to stay afloat. I guess you will all just have to nominate me to the Supreme Court so I can work my real magic.
V. Conclusion
I have seen enough through both my textual and SDP analysis to declare an injunction against UVA Law students performing labor on Labor Day. Instead, they must spend the day relaxing or doing something besides schoolwork. And to those who wish to use the day to get ahead, I encourage them to get a personality and/or a hobby.
Tonseth, J. dissenting.
Again, as this Court’s sole remaining bastion of actual textualism and the proper administration of the judicial system, I vehemently dissent.[5] I did not think that during my tenure on this Court I would have to work to protect the forgotten hard workers at this Law School, but here I am.
Through his analysis of substantive due process, Justice Pickett makes up an entirely new “fundamental” right.[6] It seems mighty rich, especially from the pricey Ivory Tower he rules from, that Justice Pickett issues an injunction against labor while he pays to attend school. It is almost as though he wishes to change the adage of “hard work pays off” to “B-pluses get BigLaw jobs.” I cannot willingly stand for the grave injustice of granting special privilege to be lazy. In the wise words of T. Jeff, “It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.” Do more, Justice Pickett.
In the textual argument posited by the majority, there is a major flaw. I concede that labor is performed by law students in the natural course of their education. However, the only “labor” performed on Labor Day itself is performed by either 1Ls or upperclassmen who unwisely chose not to schedule a recurring four-day weekend into their class schedule. Between “emotional distress is a harm inherent in the choice to attend law school” and 1Ls always losing, I textually find no support for the majority’s argument.[7]
It is a strange and unusual time when Justice Pickett comes down from his Ivory Tower to do the hard labor of declaring that Labor Day should be recognized as a holiday.[8] Due to Con Law being all made up, I have a completely different yet valid argument. As such, I dissent.
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shp8dz@virginia.edu
pjt5hm@virginia.edu
[1] Of note is that coronavirus is currently acting in defiance of an injunction imposed by this Court in Coronavirus (La Cerveza Mas Fina) v. Coronavirus (El Virus Menos Fino). We are waiting for you to finally perish, COVID-19.
[2] This is a lazy Labor Day joke, but go with it.
[3] If I could, though, I would definitely put an injunction on all labor.
[4] Spoiler alert 1Ls.
[5] John Does v. Open Bathroom Doors, 73 U.Va 2 (2020). Tonseth, J. dissenting opinion.
[6] But did he? Still waiting for the Supreme Court to release the full list.
[7] 1L Gunners v. Everyone Else, 324 U.Va 22 (2019)
[8] He probably wakes up every Monday feeling like Garfield.