A new column, for the hopelessley confused LawHoo. Join us for answers to the big questions on love, life, and the law.
Question:
I’m a 2L, and my boyfriend (who also is a UVA Law student) broke up with me last week. The short story is that he said he wants to stay friends but that he has severe trust issues that stop us from getting more serious. I am confused, and it hurts to not be trusted. Of course, the emotional situation is tough, but I’m really concerned about school. We sit right next to each other in a class that is completely packed and has a seating chart. Before the breakup, I helped him a lot with this class because he struggles with the material—stuff like giving him case notes and leading study sessions. I felt awkward about sitting next to him, so I skipped the past few classes. Obviously this solution is unsustainable, but I don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated!
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Answer:
Thanks for writing in! This sounds like a tough situation, and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing discomfort because of it.
First of all, your ex’s reason behind the breakup is flawed. It isn’t a red flag to be distrustful; it’s a red flag to think that it’s a problem.
Law exists to protect people from each other and from themselves. Law rests on the assumption that people categorically can’t be trusted to be decent on their own. Lawyers are warriors of distrust. For example, transactional lawyers create agreements to cover every conceivable contingency because their clients do not fully trust their business partners. Litigators validate that distrust by finding ways for their clients to avoid upholding their end of the bargain.
The limits of human dishonesty cannot be contained by language. I would caution against criticizing his lack of trust, as it is prudent and fuels our profession. Rather, I would criticize his response to it.
In terms of a solution, you should communicate strength and assert dominance. In The Art of War, Sun Tzu writes “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Luckily, you know yourself and your ex. He broke up with you, so he may think he won the relationship, but you can win the aftermath.
Skipping class was a good first move. Now, he probably realizes how much work you put into writing briefs and helping him study. He probably sees that he relied on you too much. Without you, he is worse off in a tangible way. But you can’t skip class forever.
Once you’re back in class, stay in your seat. It’s okay to feel awkward around an ex with whom you have a close professional proximity, but he can’t know that. One thing that communicates confidence is competition. Here, the solution is quite simple. Manila folders have long served as the tried and true anti-cheating technology in grade schools around the globe. Bring a manila folder to class and set it up between you two to block your notes.
The purpose of this approach is not actually to obscure his view. He has been relying on you for this class, so you know he isn’t a threat. The purpose is to make your absence—which he chose by breaking up with you—register on an emotional level.
The manila folder is a clear symbol that you (1) are over him, (2) will not be his on-demand wellspring of academic success, and (3) are a competitive force to be reckoned with. If you can stand up the folder in a precarious way, that would help. That way, if he accidentally knocks it over, he will feel that he encroached onto your territory.
You can forgive his lack of trust, but never forget how it made you feel. Hold onto that feeling, and let it fuel your studies. Best of luck!