Phil Tonseth ‘23
Editor-in-Chief
Skies Out, Thighs Out
If you’ve got it, flaunt it. For all of those peeps lucky enough to know me, or be on my close friends list on Insta, you know I am a huge fan of leg day. Both because of that, and due to everything coming back into fashion, I consistently wear short shorts. I’m not talking shorts that tickle the top of your kneecaps. I mean short shorts. This is one time where 5 inches[1] is something to be proud of.
This article is supposed to convince you of why my side of this argument is right. I don’t think I really need to try that hard to do so. Did Michael Jordan wear short shorts when he became the greatest basketball player of all time? You bet. Did your dad rock the short shorts both to spit game at the beach and then go home and mow the lawn after? You’re alive and reading this now, aren’t you? Do I spend way too much time doing absolutely vain leg exercises in the hopes that someone compliments my tree trunks? Jury is still out on that one.
If that hasn’t convinced you to update your wardrobe, let me try my last trick. Legs are the new abs. I prefer to call this past summer ‘Thigh Guy Summer,’ not ‘Hot Vax Summer.’ . After so long of being inside due to COVID, not everyone has that same tight tummy we may have rocked back in 2019. But you bet men are excited to show off all of that work they did from home. Don’t take it from me, but The Guardian even said that showing off the thighs shows “the qualities of a soft lad. They are sporty, useful, athletic, deeply revealing, lightly erogenous, [and] ultimately unthreatening.”[2] Plus, strong legs generally means a nicer backside. Don’t neglect leg day boys, build that bum and show the world that you’re a “soft lad.”
Mason Pazhwak ‘23
Events Editor
In Defense of the KneeLength, or Just Above the Knee-Length, at the Very Shortest, Shorts
It seemed to me, when I was younger, that the debate between shorts and short shorts had been resolved in conventional men’s fashion. Just like liberal democracy smashed authoritarian communism, so too had shorts falling to at least right above the knee[3] left short shorts of any lesser inseams consigned to the dustbin of history. You can imagine the alarm I felt when, as an undergrad, I first saw packs of fraternity members walking around in blazers, sunglasses, Sperrys, and….Chubbies. From what deranged place had these men, with their sickeningly colored, pastel assortment of short shorts that so blatantly exposed their quadriceps for all the world to see, come from? Little did I know, this was only observing a harbinger of things to come, and in subsequent years the short shorts not only grew more pervasive, but the inseams slowly creeped up farther and farther. Now, Gen Z, with their vapes, TikTok, and broccoli-style haircuts, seem to have deigned to adopt a trend set by a very misguided set of Millennials, and embraced the return of the male short shorts. It is just another layer of instability in deeply uncertain times, but all us knee-lengthers can do is just get up, look at the day’s weather, step into our trusty shorts, and steel ourselves for another day of confronting hairy thighs at each turn.
Why my obstinate, seemingly irrational dissent from this trend you might ask? Some might attack me and say I am just not confident in my own thighs, attempting to thigh-shame me out of the argument. Others might dismiss me as an errant anachronism unable to keep up with the times, a hopelessly unfashionable Luddite who missed the memo that the mantra of “less is more” now pervades all parts of our lives. Even others might call me out on utilitarian grounds, claiming that I am failing to recognize the superiority of short shorts as objectively cooler clothing in a warming world. To all of them I could simply retort that short shorts just aren’t cool, please leave me and my thighs alone thank-you-very-much. But I want to engage more deeply than that. The erosion of short length in our society is, at least in my mind, part of a wider erosion of the virtue of modesty. When I step into my knee-length to just above the knee shorts, I am saying “Hey, of course there is more to see, but you know what, I don’t need to show it.” There is a humble, quiet confidence to the wearers of knee length shorts, a comfort with not needing to be at the center of attention, a joy at the thigh covered against the harsh glare of the relentless sun. In an era where extremes seem to be growing and society vacillates between them amidst the turbulence, the knee to just above knee length short wearer is a bastion of stability, a rock amidst the raging storm, the moderate that ensures we all get through to calmer days. Stay strong, fellow long shorts wearers.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu
mwp8kk@virginia.edu
[1] Read “inseam”, and keep your dirty mind out of this.
[2] https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2021/jun/20/thigh-society-why-mens-shorts-are-getting-shorter
[3] There was a time, sometime in the mid to late 2000s, when even shorts falling to right above the knee might have been a source of derision and mockery, or at least a healthy dose of skepticism, but even I have evolved enough to find them acceptable to wear. I should also note that perhaps the trend of long shorts also got out of hand at some points, but that is another argument for another day.