Counsel’s Counsel is the world’s preeminent advice column for law students. Written by recent UVA Law graduate, Jane Doe, J.D.
Question:
I want to preface this with my gratitude that we get to do Feb Club this year. I’m a 1L, and I heard it got canceled last year because of COVID and everything.
Typically I think of myself as a pretty social person, but when I go to Feb Club parties (and events with law students in general), I feel a certain amount of distance between my classmates and I. There’s this tension. I want to be friendly, but I also want to be viewed as a competent and professional person. I want to let loose and be silly every once in a while, but when I do, I can’t shake the feeling that I am actively being perceived.
How do I balance being a social “party person” with having the people that I party with be my colleagues?
Answer:
Thanks for writing in! I’m sorry you’ve been feeling that distance, that can’t be fun. You are right that there is a tension that comes with having your social universe be largely made up of your colleagues. It extends beyond law school. I currently work at a large firm, and that tension very much exists there.
Like you, when I first came to law school, I had a relatively higher proclivity for silliness. I get why you wouldn’t want that tension to exist. It could be fixed with a cultural shift, but since we’re talking about lawyers, we know that will never happen. But you make trade-offs with all decisions in life, and choosing to go to law school is no different. Lawyers are not silly. Lawyers are serious professionals who handle serious matters.
Lawyers scrutinize everything, so rest assured that you are actively being perceived by your colleagues. Your colleagues are simply trying to suss out what they can get from you and the amount of effort it would take to get it. Based on these calculations, law students decide whether to talk to one other at parties. If you show any hint of silliness, they will see it.
My advice is to take comfort in the transactional nature of the social scene. There’s an honesty to it. When people want to be friends, take it as a compliment. It means that they think you are or will be influential and important. Moreover, the “colleague-friend” distance allows you to be competitive with your classmates guilt-free.
So, never forget that you are first and foremost colleagues. There will always be a distance between you. You can never be unadulterated friends, but learn to love it. Suppress any urge you have to be silly. Be risk-averse. Appreciate the fear that supports your career. As I mentioned earlier, I used to be a silly person, but I’m glad I made the trade-off. I would never go back.
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