Non-KJDs v. Father Time
74 U.Va 17 (2022)
Lake, J. delivered the opinion of the Court.
As Judge Miller opined in his opinion for the District Court of Petty Appeals, time keeps on slippin,’ slippin,’ slippin’ into the future. This is the principal contention in the case before us today. Non-KJD Law Students have alleged that appellant Father Time oversees an administration which intrudes on appellees’ right to due process. Father Time argues the relentless and excruciating passage of time is not a function of the United States government and is not bound by the U.S. Constitution. The Court of Petty Appeals is not bound by such trivial matters.[1] We must affirm the lower court’s finding in favor of non-KJDs, and order Father Time to immediately cease the flow of time for those students.
The “Get Off My Yard” Doctrine
The alleged systematic and intrusive breach into the daily lives of law students must be addressed, but we take care not to overgeneralize this suit. While older, non-KJD law students have been able to demonstrate a particularized harm from the aging process directly caused by Father Time’s regime, the same cannot be said for the young and supple KJDs who roam the halls of the Law School. We rely on the doctrine of “Get Off My Lawn” to reach this conclusion.
If a class of person suffers the same superficial injuries as another class, but only one of those groups is the subject of frequent jokes and mocking impersonations, the non-targeted class may not piggyback off of the injuries of the targeted class. In the present case, all law students complain of aches and pains, the relative shortness of the productive time available in a twenty-four-hour period, and other such sundry issues. But it is only the non-KJD law student that experiences the negatives of aging while also managing the bullying of their younger peers.
For example, a non-KJD student may be easily relegated to the “mom” position in a group of friends for simply remembering to pack water and sunscreen for an outdoor event, while a KJD student would not be. In another example, while a lively twenty-two-year-old student may be quirky for listening to NPR, an aged 26-year-old student is cruelly labeled as a “boomer.” We need only look to the delightfully named Older Wiser Law Student (OWLS) organization to see that non-KJDs must band together to survive.[2] The lower court was therefore correct in finding that the student body as a whole lacks standing in this case, narrowing the suit to only non-KJDs.
Injuries
Non-KJDs have alleged real and substantial harm as a result of the passage of time. Judge Floyd summarized their argument best in his concurrence, finding “the sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, shorter of breath and one day closer to death.” Father Time has countered that aging is a normal part of living, and that without time passing we would lack the proper perspective to appreciate the good times and get through the bad times. Some circuits have adopted such a view, citing Judge Mac’s influential ruling: “time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I’m getting older too.” We find this argument baseless and therefore dismiss it.
Injuries alleged by non-KJDs are as numerous as they are debilitating. In a recent example, a witness recalled receiving a lovely Valentine’s Day bag from Student Affairs containing chapstick and hand sanitizer. “It was a nice thought,” the witness said, “but I remember, back in undergrad the student center would give out condoms and safe sex advice for Valentines. Now I’m getting a very different type of protection. When did I stop being someone at high risk of getting an STI? I didn’t consent to that change.” In other examples witnesses have identified aching backs from only moderate activity, apocalyptic hangovers after two glasses of wine during a Bachelor catch-up session, and the decreasing desire to get new tattoos. In testimony interrupted by frequent weeping, a formerly pro-tattoo witness stated: “I feel like I’ve made it this far without getting the piece done, I might as well just die without it.” Such heartbreaking indifference is the result of only one cause: the cruel and inexorable passage of time.
Conclusion
We affirm the lower court’s decision and find in favor of non-KJD law students. Father Time is hereby ordered to immediately cease the flow of time, halting the aging process for applicable law students until such time they choose to resume it. We explicitly reject the holding in some circuits that finds aging to be not only necessary, but a positive experience for a law student. It’s not a question, they insist, but a lesson learned in time. This is simply not a view we can endorse. Getting older sucks. Being an older student can definitely give you a healthy perspective on a law school’s social scene, but it can also make the (sometimes very high school) drama difficult to become fully immersed in. Let the non-KJDs have a turn being silly and irresponsible—there’s no coming back once we graduate. Unless you go for an L.L.M. of course.
Tonseth, CJ Emeritus, concurring.
I fully join and support CJ Lake’s masterfully written opinion. I write separately to address personal grievances as petty as this Court allows. First, I turned twenty-nine last week. A lot of people didn’t wish me a happy birthday, which I’m still salty about. If you’re reading this and realizing you also forgot, don’t worry. I have a list of those who forgot and you’ve been removed from being my friend. Second, I turned twenty-nine last week. That means I will be thirty in less than twelve months. I am no closer to being thirty, flirty, and thriving than I am to being able to attend every night of Feb Club and not suffer long-lasting liver damage. Father Time has already taken too much from non-KJDs. We had to sit and be called boomers during the recent Super Bowl halftime show when we could recall every lyric sung by Eminem, Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige, and 50 Cent.[3] Father Time cannot further steal my dignity.
What is the remedy I seek? To continue having people wish me a happy twenty-first birthday every year. I don’t want to be like Benjamin Button, but having to take Tylenol daily, actually stretch before I exercise, and make sure I eat my fiber and multivitamin every day is a lot. Let the non-KJDs live a little.
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