Question:
Hi, I’m a 1L. Everyone makes such a big deal about softball here. But, I came here for the books, not the balls. I’m torn. I want to be social and get some sunlight, plus my crush is a star on our section team, but I’m super unathletic. Is there a way I could make softball fun and get my crush to notice me for something beyond being horrible at hand-eye coordination?
Sincerely,
A Clumsy and Hopeless Romantic
Answer:
Oh, my naive 1L friend. Softball isn’t fun. It’s the alcohol that makes it fun. Drinking isn’t technically allowed on the fields, so you might consider filling a CamelBak with booze.
Just because you are uncoordinated doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. What you lack in athleticism, you can make up in another crucial part of casual softball—talking sh*t. Improving your trash-talk will get your crush’s attention because people like confidence and eloquence. Artfully disparaging your peers showcases a facility of speech.
Loads of classic baseball heckles exist, but the more creative, the better. Here are some oven-ready insults to get you started. Batters: (1) My GPA is higher than your batting average; (2) you couldn’t hit an Election Law textbook with a shovel; (3) maybe it’ll help if you hit the ball with your giant silver spoon. Pitchers: (1) You’re looking like Unlearned Ham-Hands out there; (2) home plate hasn’t moved since before baseball got an antitrust exception, and they still can’t find it; (3) I’ve seen more heat in a traffic court opinion; (4) we’re lighting you up like edits on your first LRW memo; (5) the right to arms is wasted on you. Umpires: (1) With these judgment calls, I hope you stay out of the judiciary; (2) your umping is below the curve; (3) this is intentional infliction of emotional distress; (4) for someone who does so many cite checks, you need to get your sight checked. A versatile insult for any baby-faced player is You KJD-looking-a** m*****f*****.
Don’t forget—it’s more important that lawyers skillfully wield words than softball bats. You mentioned that you’re here for the books, so study up on the best insult comics. Draft your best burns and deploy them with reckless abandon. Best of luck swinging for the fences, both linguistically and romantically.
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