Subject: “I kissed a classmate and now her ex-boyfriend’s friends are icing me out.”
Counsel’s Counsel is the world’s preeminent advice column for law students. Written by recent UVA Law graduate, Jane Doe, J.D.
Question:
Hi Jane, I’m a 3L guy, and apparently, I made out with the wrong person. She’s a 3L too, and I met her through mutual friends. We’ve become better friends through group hangouts. She is a fun-loving and downright jolly person.
A couple weeks ago, I went to a party at her place. The music was great, I had a nice buzz going, and everybody was in a dancing mood. She and I danced a bit, and, as fate would have it, we kissed.
I was aware that she had come out of a relationship recently, but I didn’t think much of that fact. However, since that night, her ex and his friends have totally iced me out. Her ex and I are just acquaintances, but I am decent friends with his close friends. I’m not getting invited to hang out with them like I used to. I’m in some school organizations with them, and there has been more tension and politicking recently. I still communicate with her, and she said that I was excluded from a position that I otherwise would’ve gotten because of the situation.
It feels like I’m being blamed for something that isn’t wrong. I made out with your ex, can you relax? I mean, she chose to make out with me, too. All in all, it feels petty and confusing. What should I do? I couldn’t have foreseen that this small action would have such large social ramifications. Anyways, thanks for your help!
Sincerely,
A Lover Not a Fighter
Answer:
I appreciate you writing in! That sounds frustrating. I agree that this situation feels petty, but it can be explained fairly easily.
Toxic masculinity is almost invariably the manifestation of a man’s insecurities. Perhaps the ex-boyfriend is compensating because he was waitlisted at Harvard, or because his firm is Vault #30 instead of Vault #10, or because he got a B in Government Contracts. No one knows, but it shouldn’t be affecting you.
Despite the legal moves away from the coverture-influenced view of women as quasi-property in the 19th century, men generally have not progressed beyond a view of women as social property. Law schools are neck-deep in entitled narcissists, which exacerbates this view.
I’ve been around the block when it comes to jealousy-induced machismo. I’d say there’s a good chance he tries to get back together with her—not because he cares about her, but because he feels emasculated and wants to reclaim his manliness. He feels slighted because he thinks she chose you over him. Because he subconsciously views her as his property, he is inserting himself into a situation that (1) has nothing to do with him, and (2) is a result of her individual sexual autonomy. He needs to feel reassured that he is still a man, since—as the mindset goes—what is a man without sexual prowess?
Men need to hold other men to higher standards, but since his friends aren’t doing that, ignore it, and be a friend to all. By ostracizing you, his friends are upholding an outdated view of gender dynamics. Don’t sink to their level. It seems like she and you get along, so I’d stay in touch with her so that she doesn’t feel shut out by you. Cutting off communication with her would suggest that you implicitly agree with the ex-boyfriend’s harmful mentality. Over time, people will see him and his lackeys for what they are—spineless and insecure boys. Jealousy is a tricky thing, so I wish you the best of luck as you navigate those waters.
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