ANG '??
Law School Cryptid
“How cold-hearted could you be, ANG?” you may ask. Very. But listen to ANG and learn. Each year, the fall breeze carries in a new class of 1Ls. Like clockwork, those green rascals find the audacity to begin robbing upperclassmen of precious Law School meals. They gorge themselves on Friday cookies, FedSoc Chick-fil-A, and Student Affairs snacks—all ANG’s food! It seems that each year’s class of 1Ls is hungrier than the last. Don’t they know that ANG was here long before them and that ANG will be here long after they’re gone? Admitted Students Day is the best day for ANG to seek vengeance.
Stealing the 0Ls’ food is a vengeance so sweet that, contrary to popular belief, it can be enjoyed at any temperature. And, oh! do the temperatures vary. Piping hot coffee—the real stuff, not the sludge from the library. A warm, toasted sandwich from Ivy Provisions—a feast for a starving law student who has naught but a bag of goldfish to snack on. And iced tea! A soothing refreshment in the heat of Charlottesville’s infamous false summer. Now, reader, do you understand ANG’s frustration? When did the Law School last give you iced tea?
This year’s admitted students were also treated to a dinner at Three Notch’d Brewery. Donning an admitted student lanyard, ANG managed to sneak in and fill up on chicken wings and beer. To make sure ANG’s disguise was convincing, ANG kept talking about how excited ANG was to attend such a collegial law school. Nobody suspected a thing. If you’ve ever eaten stolen food, you know that it tastes much, much better. But it’s more than that. For ANG, this is a zero-sum game. Every bite ANG takes is one less bite for the 0Ls. Ha.
As ANG lounged in a corner of Three Notch'd, ANG couldn’t help but marvel at the audacity of ANG’s own actions. Each chicken wing devoured felt like a small victory in the war against the insatiable hunger of the incoming 1Ls. But ANG's culinary conquest extended beyond mere sustenance—it was a statement, a manifesto of gastronomic justice.
But amidst the revelry and the stolen bites of barbecue, ANG couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of guilt that tugged at the corners of ANG’s conscience. Was ANG truly justified in this culinary crusade, or was ANG merely succumbing to the baser instincts of a law student’s ravenous appetite? It was a question that lingered in the air, like the scent of pulled pork wafting from the kitchen. Was ANG really any better for doing to the 0Ls the very same thing for which ANG resented them?
Just kidding. Of course ANG is better. The 0Ls don’t even know what a tort is. Okay, neither does ANG, but that’s neither here nor there. ANG earned this stolen meal through cunning and years of toil and sacrifice. For ANG, countless hours of lectures and exams may not have led to a law degree (yet), but it has always led ANG to this delicious annual tradition.
And so, as the night drew to a close and the last crumbs of stolen nachos vanished from ANG's plate, ANG couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. Much like the changing of the seasons, the sunrise, or the yearly preventable softball injury, the eventual arrival of new 1Ls was inevitable. But so, too, was ANG’s open house feast.
As ANG slipped out to return to the Copeley bleachers, ANG’s pockets heavy with purloined snacks and ANG’s heart aflutter with the joy of a well-executed caper, ANG couldn’t help but laugh. For in the annals of UVA Law lore, ANG would forever be remembered as the hungry gremlin who fought bravely for the honor (and stomachs) of Virginia lawyers. And for ANG, that was victory enough.