Court of Petty Appeals: The Friends of Ryan Keane for 3L Senator Political Action Committee (FRACK-PAC) v. UVA Law Student Bar Association
Brief for Appellants in:
The Friends of Ryan Keane for 3L Senator Political Action Committee (FRACK-PAC)
v.
UVA Law Student Bar Association
Case No. 25-19
Prepared by Ryan Keane ’26, Appellant Pro Se
SUMMARY OF FACTS
Every year, the UVA Law Student Bar Association (hereinafter “SBA” or “the SBA”) holds elections for the most prestigious law school student government positions. The elected officials of the SBA send out emails containing important announcements, plan social events, and perform countless other important tasks crucial to our law school experience. This year, Ryan Keane ran for 3L Senator on a campaign of radical change. His platform included (1) the removal of snacks from student affairs, (2) replacing the Virginia Law Review with a new fashion brand called “Virginia Law Ryan,” (3) reducing the number of parking spaces by one-half, (4) introducing Private Practice Law Student Association (PPLSA) grants, (5) [Redacted], (6) providing food trucks in Spies Garden, (7) replacing “quiet zones” in the library with “loud sections,” and (8) adding a graded component to both softball team participation and LRW.
The initial reaction to Ryan’s campaign was broadly positive, a sentiment that only increased throughout the campaign period. However, Ryan’s name did not appear on the official SBA ballot. Furthermore, the SBA removed the write-in option from the ballot in an effort to prevent his election.[1] Following the conclusion of the election process, unofficial polls conducted in the GroupMe by unbiased, third-party researchers showed continued support for Ryan’s election.[2] In response to a question concerning his potential candidacy, the vast majority of respondents indicated “Yes, with cool sunglasses emoji 😎” which was far and beyond the most enthusiastic option available. After his repeated attempts to receive due process were to no avail, Ryan was left with no choice but to file this petition.
QUESTION PRESENTED
Is the Court of Petty Appeals willing to have the courage to do what’s right and order the SBA to hold a new election with Ryan Keane on the ballot for 3L Senator?
Petition
May it please this court. I humbly request that you accept this petition.
At their core, SBA elections are not about policies or ideas: The elections are about popularity. My campaign posted a singular promotional message in the school-wide GroupMe, which received 133 likes. For the members of this court who are not as acquainted with the intricacies of mathematics, 133 is more likes than any other candidate received throughout the entire campaign period, and quite possibly the most amount of likes ever earned in that GroupMe. My reach extends far beyond the student body. Dean Blazer is in full support and has remarked that my election as 3L Senator would have the single most positive impact on our admissions prospects since RFK Jr.'s graduation.[3]
Simply put, the people want me. Give the people what they want.
Please do not be persuaded by opposing claims of this complaint being moot. While it is true that there are outstanding positions for 3L Senator still open to which I could voluntarily apply (thereby resolving this issue in its entirety), in the true spirit of the Court of Petty Appeals, it is the principle that matters. If your court is to mean anything, this is precisely the matter it was created for.
Furthermore, some have raised the incredulous notion that my failure to appear on the ballot is not the product of a deep interwoven conspiracy between SBA and Student Affairs to silence me, but rather that it was my own fault. Occam’s Razor proves them wrong. While it is true that I did not complete mandatory UBE paperwork, it is wholly unreasonable (dare I say, even impossible) for me to have known this paperwork existed.[4]
If you are not swayed by policy, at minimum you must be bound by precedent. The appellee in this case is the UVA Law Student Bar Association, which contains representatives from the 1L class.[5] For as long as records have been kept, it has been enshrined in this Court that 1Ls must always lose.[6] Directly on point to the matter at hand, this court has held that “if 1L’s are part of a class, that class must lose.”[7] Given that 1L’s are part of the SBA, this Court’s precedent requires a finding for Ryan Keane. The rulings of this Court have long been respected as consistent and fair. I urge you to be mindful of the company you are joining if you choose to deviate from years of precedent. Doing so would assuredly damage the Virginia Law Weekly’s otherwise untouched reputation.
Finally, on a wholly unrelated note, if I am elected as 3L Senator I may be inclined to award the official “VLW” acronym to Virginia Law Weekly. This is a highly coveted and contested acronym; thereby, I would only be able to provide this, if I am elected as a 3L Senator. A favorable ruling from yourself is a critical prerequisite. However, please do not let this sway your opinion in any way. I intend no unfair bias by this statement.
CONCLUSION
The people want me. If you don’t stand for something, you stand for nothing. This Court is bound by both precedent and a duty to do the right thing. I hereby request equitable relief in the form of specific performance by ordering the SBA to hold a new election for 3L Senator with Ryan Keane on the ballot.
[1] The SBA has informed us that there has never been a write-in option in the history of the SBA.
[2] Tim Patawaran, the lead researcher, has assured us that even though there are pictures of him on Ryan’s plane, he has never met Ryan before and has no preconceived biases.
[3] I have not spoken to Dean Blazer. She has said none of this. Though I presume this is what she would say if asked. Please do not temporarily rescind my acceptance again.
[4] The SBA has informed us that candidates were fully informed of the requirement to complete this paperwork, and all other candidates did so.
[5] https://www.uvasba.com/about-4.
[6] See, e.g., 1Ls v. God, 73 U.Va. 16 (2021).
[7] 1Ls, 2Ls, 3Ls, et al. v. The Pavilion at North Grounds 76 U.Va 1 (2023).
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Ryan Keane
rmk6rf@virginia.edu