Hot Bench: Ryan Moore ’25

 I’m going to record this because I type really slow, like please don’t watch me. I’ll type it up later, don't look at me. Ok Hi Ryan, where are you from?

 Columbus, Ohio. I grew up there before all the memes happened.

 What memes?

 Like, it’s always been Ohio. The astronaut with the gun thing–

 Ohhh right right right. I’ll put in a picture of that.

 The skibidi …baby grok thing.

 What?

 Full ten minutes distraction involving Fortnite, Urban Dictionary, etc.

 Okay, so, I’ll look all this up later. Anyway, Ohio. Why did you leave the thriving cultural metropolis of Columbus, Ohio?

 Because it’s not a metropolis.

 I see.

 I left after college to go to grad school—International Relations at the University of Chicago.

 Oooh, fancy fancy girl. How did you like the conservatives of Chicago?

 It was actually more liberal than  [UVA Law].

 That’s not surprising, probably because there’s such good jazz there. We have some jazz here, but it’s just John D’earth and he’s allegedly retired.

 Ten more minutes of distraction re: jazz. I am horrible at doing hot bench. Ryan, I’m so sorry.

 Okay so back to international relations, what did you wanna do with that?

 I wanted to work in D.C. or teach, and I realized I didn’t like teaching, and then I graduated at the beginning of the Trump administration and there was a hiring freeze. It’s crazy how it’s happening again [as I graduate law school].

 Oh god you’re right. So as long as I don’t graduate the same year as you, I should be okay.

 Yeah it’s very bad luck to graduate my year.

 Got it, ok so what are you doing after graduation?

 I’m going back to a firm in Cincinnati, Ohio. My wife’s also from Ohio.

 Oh but that’s nice, everyone’s family is back there, plus isn’t Ohio like a climate refuge now?

 I mean. I would stay in Florida rather than go back to Ohio in the climate crisis. Not all of Florida will go under, some of it will still be dry land. Ohio is fine. You’re not gonna get flooded, you’re not gonna get crazy heat waves. Your water system is still fine. But you live in Ohio.

 Wow that’s an indictment of Ohio.

 It is an indictment of Ohio.

 That’s good to know. Ok. Thoughts on Taylor Swift?

 Um. I got really depressed around the time that Reputation came out, and I listened to that thing on repeat for weeks. Looking back, it makes sense. I think I was  going through a breakup or something. I almost got a cat. It was like, a crippled really sick old one. And I never had a cat before. But I didn’t get it because I wasn’t able to really give it the four good weeks of care it would need before it passed away.

 Jesus Christ. Yeah that wouldn’t have helped the depression, probably.

 Well yeah we were buddies. I was crippled by depression and she was crippled by degenerative nerve damage.

 Oh wow.

 You don’t have to put that in.

 I think I do. I need to know—do you have a cat now?

 I have a dog. Much better choice.

 Does it have degenerative nerve damage?

 No, but she had breast cancer. I guess if female dogs don’t get spayed early enough they can get breast cancer.

 That’s terrible! Is she in remission?

 Yeah, she’s fine now. But you have to do a mammogram and stuff, it’s crazy.

 All nine titties.

 …

 I’m sorry.

 …

 When my dog was a puppy, I used to call her DJ Nine Nipples and go, “D-D-D-D- DJ NINE NIPPPPLEEEES *air horn noise*” and she’d go crazy.

 …that’s actually really cute.

 Yeah I don’t need to put that in—I won’t talk about your dog’s titties… more. Okay.

 Ten more minutes distracted about dog vet TikToks, and conversation about being there if and when a pet needs to be euthanized, Jesus Christ this hot bench—I am so sorry Ryan. But at least we agree it’s cowardly not to be there. And that we like to facetime our dogs when we travel. Ha ha—anyway.

 What’s your most controversial opinion?

 I have two, we can run with the better one. Well maybe I have three. The first one is that pandas are stupid and worthless and I hate them.

 That’s so fair.

 Okay good response. The other one is that apple picking is overrated. The third is more of a conspiracy theory.

 I’m so with you on the apple picking. I worked on a farm a lot as a kid when my parents were both deployed and I did so much manual labor and now I’m like, you want me to pay and go do manual labor? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not fun. All fruit picking is stupid. I’m gonna go to the store and buy it.

 YES. It’s a bad job, there’s a reason it gets outsourced and it’s like, read Grapes of Wrath–

 I’ll never do that again.

 Okay, you don’t have to read it again. But you remember, Steinbeck was like, “This sucks, this is how America has gone wrong.”

 It’s the full self-cannibalism of liberal ideology, like postmodernist liberals who are like yeah I’m gonna go pick fruit for fun and take pictures.

 Yeah I’m gonna go pay money to the capitalist class to do their labor for them. It’s insane. And you don’t even get the fruit at the end, you have to buy the fruit. Which is insane.

 I feel so seen. This is cathartic. Because every fall–as a white woman who was briefly in a sorority–there’s someone going “Let’s go pick a variety of fruit” “let’s go apple-picking” NO.

 My wife really wants to do that, and the first time I thought about it, I was picturing just all my ancestors on my father’s side just like, “You’re gonna go into a field and pick stuff… and pay for it.” No way. If I was going to go pick food and keep it and not pay for it, or even if someone was like “Here’s $20 because I don’t want to harvest my own crops, go crazy,” then it’d be fine. But to pick food and then also pay for it? No.

 Are you gonna go with your wife though?

 No, I’ve refused to go every year.

 See, now I’m on the fence a little bit because maybe you’re just supposed to go for the friendship and to make other people happy, like I don’t want to be that asshole at the party that no one likes. Maybe the fruit picking is one of those things where in relationships you have to give up being unassailably right to please others and make your loved ones happy.

 I told my wife that picking fruit would be a great thing to do with her next husband.

*gasps*

 And you can quote me on that.

 Thank you. What did she say back to you?

 We haven’t gone apple picking. But we do forage morels, even though I don’t trust them or eat them. But she does. So I think it’s okay.

 Ten more minutes distraction on foraging, Ryan’s wife’s job at PBS, and the hot hobbit from the—I’M SO SORRY.

 What’s your opinion on Margaret Thatcher?

 Ding-dong the witch is dead.

 Nice.

 Ask me about my opinion on the queen.

 What’s your opinion on the queen?

 Ding-dong the witch is dead.

 NICE.

 Ten more minutes distraction on Fuck, Marry, Kill different political figures, none of that will make it to print.