Jacob Jones ‘21
Events Editor
Sarah-Jane Lorenzo ‘21
Staff Editor
The 2019 PILA festivities began this year with a dramatic live auction that pitted professors and students against each other in vicious battles to obtain cookies, fancy artwork, and the right to pie students in the face. Expertly emceed by Professors Charles Barzun and Kimberly Ferzan, the Live Auction packed Caplin Pavilion with students, some of whom found themselves purchasing items that they did not actually expect to win.[1] Items that engaged some of the most ferocious bidding wars included a six-month supply of cookies from Lena Welch ’20 (purchased by Professor Crystal Shin, who prevailed in a brutal battle against Professor Cale Jaffe) and the right to pie 2L Dominique Fenton in the face, which ultimately went to Assistant Dean for Public Service Annie Kim, who threw the pie with such enthusiasm that even Fenton seemed surprised by its impact.
Professor-hosted events also sparked dramatic Live Auction bidding wars—even by professors. In one dramatic fracas, Professor Deborah Hellman beat a team of eager student bidders vying for a chance to enjoy a St. Patrick’s Day meal with Professors Anne Coughlin and Barbara Armacost. While Professor Hellman mentioned that she felt kind of bad about out-bidding students, she still prevailed, and we appreciate her donation, even though our St. Patrick’s Day experience will be slightly less exciting. In the spirit of balance inspired by Thanos, each of the Law School bands’ performances were sold at $200, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. This was despite Professor Barzun’s declaration that the Gunners’ band was “the” Law
School band, which amounts to fighting words in thirty-seven states including Virginia.[2]
From left to right: Taylor Mitchell ‘20, Kaitlin Cottle ‘20, Brooke Bean ‘20, Rachel Staub ‘20, Julia Jackson ‘20, Sarah O’Brien ‘20, Nicholas Barba ‘20, Haley Cambra ‘20. Photo credit: Kolleen Gladden ‘21.
On Saturday night, the misleadingly named Silent Auction happened.[3] The men donned the suits that they had bought for OGI and probably hadn’t been washed since, and the women put on dresses that have been on sale since senior prom ended. As a 2L, I was fashionably late, and boy, was the coat check line long when we got there. Next year, people, don’t wear coats. The part of the event people seemed to enjoy the most was the homecoming-like dance floor. The DJ, whoever he or she was, chose a mix from the 80s, 90s, and now, much like your favorite radio station back home.
The most important part of Saturday night’s auction was the auction—there were many interesting items and less tangible things for students to bid on. Lots of great local businesses gave gift cards.[4] I was outbid on several items, including an amazing disco ball, a drawing of an astute sloth, and a Barbri discount. Some of the more exotic items included fly-fishing lessons,[5] tarot card readings, a ride in an old school Mustang, abstract octopus art, and socks. In the category of “creative student donations,” the student offering an all-day designated drivers for wineries won first place, followed closely by people offering poker lessons, babysitting, time with dogs, a “Fly Dog aerial party,” and pies. The Law Weekly’s Maria Luevano ’21 got really into bidding for candles, but it remains to be seen if she won. If not, she could just go to the store and buy candles, just like you could do for something like socks.
PILA, after noticing that it had assigned its grantees an amount of hours that were difficult to make up, decided that it would take a page out of the medieval churches’ playbook and let people buy their way out of obligations. Grantees could spend a potential $39 to be relieved from just one of their PILA hours obligations! One has to wonder whether it would’ve been better for PILA to just reduce the hours requirement in the first place instead of selling indulgences.
After the auction/homecoming dance ended, the party began as one of the Law School bands raptured everyone to, well, Rapture. The law students were out in impressive numbers, and filled the club up completely. I managed to stay for about two songs before the chicken and pepper pizza I ate on the way got the best of me and I had to return home. The Gunners looked great for those two songs though.
While many people say that PILA marks the official start of outlining season, many of people can also be wrong.[6] What PILA does is separate the true bar reviewers from the true nerds. So in the spirit of UVA Law, party on.
Law Weekly Staff Editor Sarah-Jane Lorenzo contributed to Live Auction coverage for this piece. She is also a true nerd.
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jmj3vq@virginia.edu
sll5fg@virginia.edu
[1] For example, after imposing a cardboard cutout of a professor as a Marvel Avengers hero at a price higher than one student claimed to have bid, Professor Barzun thanked the student for his donation to PILA. As PILA grant recipients, we thank him, too. Rumor has it, Vice Dean Kendrick purchased her own cardboard cutout for $1,000 so students couldn’t hang out and vape with it in the back of her classes.
[2] See generally eleanor schmazl, schmazl’s jurisprudence §3.7: fighting words (concluding fighting words are “totally a thing” and “don’t try to start no drama unless your llama comes ready in pajamas sporting Yokohamas”).
[3] It was actually very loud. It also didn’t just happen, but was organized in part by the Law Weekly’s very own Lena Welch.
[4] I would list some of these businesses, but the photo I took came out blurry, much like my own vision for most of the night.
[5] Readers who paid close attention noted the lessons would take place at the law school, which is why they were so cheap. It makes me wonder if Professor Fore is planning on fishing out of that tiny fountain outside Caplin Pavilion.
[6] See, e.g., Pineapple Pizza.