Malia Takei '25
Guest Writer
Change has swept across the nation this last month, as porn bans have ultimately come into effect throughout the southern United States. The entire South, including the illustrious state of Virginia, is now facing black screens instead of our typical Pornhub watch lists.
This move has resparked fierce debates over the legality of pornography, its impact on children, and even its impact on relationships.
In a shocking turn of events, wives across the nation have joined free speech advocates and LGBTQ+ rights activists in protesting the government’s recent decisions. Their support stems from the far-reaching impacts of this legislation. Beyond merely barring access to explicit material, the legislation ultimately has left them with no choice but to associate with their husbands.
While sipping a glass of wine, a newly-wed shared her thoughts with this reporter: “I didn’t sign up for this! My husband has . . . needs. And this ban upsets the careful balance of alone time I require for this relationship to succeed!”
Similar sentiments have been uttered by other wives and girlfriends across the United States. As one anonymous wife commented: “This is an attack on marital harmony. Without an option for my husband to engage in *self-care*, he is constantly bothering me.”
The ban on pornography has, it seems, freed up a significant amount of time for men across the country. Without an outlet for their desires and needs, their attention has been turning to their partners. “Now that he’s not watching porn, he’s staring at me like I’m a four-course meal, and I just don’t have the energy for that,” said another wife who preferred to remain anonymous for the sake of her marriage.
Experts predict that this pornography ban will have the consequence of husbands increasing their attention and participation in the lives of their wives and families. Reports are already incoming about the spike in requests for dinner dates, random cuddling, and—heaven forbid—talking. “Before the ban, my husband spent all his time holed away in his office with his laptop. Now? He’s asking me to provide instructions on helping out in the kitchen or how to clean the house,” one frustrated wife lamented.
A premier relationship expert in the UVA Law community recently published an article on the importance of distance in heterosexual marriages. “Ultimately, given the societal pressure to get married and have children, pornography and much needed alone time are really what has kept our divorce rates from skyrocketing,” the expert argued.
Protests are expected to continue over the next couple of days, as more Americans are radicalized. News of the pornography bans has finally reached Gen Z and the “smut” readers, who have been facing barriers to news after the enactment of the TikTok ban. Hashtags like #SmutIsLiterature and #PornWithPlot are already trending on X and other social media sites.
As one 3L put it, “What’s next—banning ACOTAR or preventing Netflix from airing Bridgerton for being too smutty?”
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mfm4de@virginia.edu