How many kids will you have based on your quarantine behavior? Take this quiz and find out!
What is your stance on social distancing?
(a) The worst part of life has always been other people and now I can live my truth.
(b) I liked it at first, but now I’ve scrubbed my floors twenty times, my cat is ignoring me, and no one will return my spontaneous Facetime requests.
(c) I have no feelings. I don’t have feelings on anything anymore.
(d) Coronavirus is fake and so is social distancing. Viva la Biltmore!
How good is your camera and mic setup?
(a) 4k, all the way, baby.
(b) Whatever comes with my computer.
(c) I use my phone to call into any conferences I am forced to attend.
(d) I walk to school and sit in the empty classroom for all my classes.
How are you passing your time?
(a) Catching up on all the professor lectures I only listened to once during the semester.
(b) Netflix and chill from six feet away.
(c) Tracking the coronavirus death count online.
(d) Contact football three times a week.
What is your cooking like these days?
(a) Replicating all meals in Mastering the Art of French Cooking and am now working through Shah Jahan’s cookbook.
(b) It’s healthy to eat the same Mac N’ Cheese every day as long as there’s protein in there
(c) Everything is in one giant stir-fry—hasn’t hurt me yet!
(d) I scrape the sauce from three Big Macs, mix it with Chick-Fil-A sauce, place it on top of a Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, then make a sacrifice to Moloch before consuming my unholy meal.
Now tally your score! (a)’s are 3 points, (b)’s are 2 points, (c)'s are 1 point, and (d)’s are zero points.
0-6 points: One or two kids. Congrats! You’ve overcome both entropy and natural selection, passing on your reckless behavior genes to future generations.
6-11 points: Zero kids. You will never have children, and will die alongside pigeons like Nikola Tesla.
12-18: One kid, but the child will be a disappointment, despite your perfect planning.
19-24: More than three kids. Life is happy, so long as they all stay in the bunker with you. It is no longer safe in the upper world
Happy April Fools’ Day!