Jacob Jones ‘21
Features Editor
THURSDAY, MARCH 26 Members of the Federalist Society last Thursday gathered for a Zoom event titled “How to Oppose Big Government During a National Emergency.” The event allowed members of the Federalist Society to hear from speakers who are experts on government overreach, who spoke on why providing healthcare to citizens is socialism and therefore bad, and who can explain why giving people free money is “not great.” The discussion started off well enough, with everyone talking about the need to balance rights versus the greater good during times of crises, “just like you eat a balanced breakfast in the morning.”
Pictured: The target audience for this Zoom call
Eventually however, the panelists seemed to realize that they were running out of material but clearly did not want to cede the microphone to questions just yet. Luckily, one of the panelists, Maura Ingraflimflam,[1] started playing one of Obama’s press conferences during Superstorm Sandy, interrupting every ten seconds to compare how Trump would have handled this situation. When asked about the incident, one of the audience members told the Law Weekly that “it was his favorite part, but he was sad he had to be reminded that Obama was the president at one point.”
Things took an even more dramatic turn when one of the panelists, Lush Rimbaugh, started fielding questions from the crowd. One member of the audience, identified simply as Jerry from Ohio, who said he is a big fan of Fed Soc and listens on the Zoom “pretty much every day,” went on a four-minute diatribe about how his cousin in Italy knows a guy who is a doctor there and things are real bad. Jerry also mentioned that he saw something on Infowars about using flamethrowers to break up parties in violation of quarantine. When Rimbaugh asked listener Jerry if he had a question, Jerry just thanked Rimbaugh “for being a great American,” to which overwhelming applause filled the Zoom panes.
The next question, addressed to “anyone, I guess,” came from Chad from Massachusetts. Chad stated that “he was a long time Fed Soc member, but first-time Zoomer.[2]” Chad wanted to say how he saw something in the sky the other day, and he thought it was probably an airplane, but he wanted to know what the chances were that it was a government drone spying on all of us. There was disagreement over whether it was a government drone or not, but everyone did conclude that it was spraying chemtrails. The last listener, who yelled his question as people were signing off the Zoom session, wanted to know if it was constitutional for the government to close gun stores right now. Everyone agreed that guns are a fundamental right, and that therefore gun stores cannot be closed.
Happy April Fools’ Day!
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jmj3vq@virginia.edu
[1] Maura Ingraflimflam is one of our most distinguished alum who put herself above and beyond the rest of UVA Law alumni when she ridiculed a kid whose high school was shot up. Several other distinguished alumni were invited to the panel but could not make it. The list included Perry Hallwell Jr. (distinguished for inviting students back to the dorms during a pandemic), Kirstjen Nielsen (whose name is weird enough to not be altered, and who is distinguished for locking up children), and Ted Kennedy (distinguished for killing a woman).
[2] Also known as a Baby Zoomer.