Phil Tonseth ‘22
Former EIC
In an absolutely astonishing move destined to shake up the legal market for years to come, the North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) officially filed paperwork with Student Affairs to become a publicly traded organization within the Law School. In a move that was certainly made in order to raise capital to replace their dwindling budget,[1] NGSL is attempting to claim their turf and formally establish dominance amongst other organizations on a scale that has never been seen before. While the details of what exactly will be disclosed in the initial public offering still need to be hashed out, our investment analysts at the Law Weekly have been able to substantiate a few of the rumors floating around North Grounds.
First and foremost, NGSL is willing to open their books to investors–mostly. There will not be a complete breakdown of the itemized budget,[2] but there will be a list of the organization’s members, how much the organization receives in direct donations from various (illicit) firms across the world, and how much of that money is wasted on Fireball and PBR. Second, NGSL is planning on offering 40% of their private shares to the public, even if those are non-voting shares. Our investors are worried that this distinction will make the shares as valuable as a Russian Ruble, but market volatility could prove them wrong. Unfortunately, NGSL has put its foot down in one way. By going public, that does not mean their membership is open to the public. They are still planning on keeping their selection process a secret, but after the Libel show, I think we know how that happens anyway.[3]
In drafting this piece, the Law Weekly was discreetly contacted by the Secret Seven, who offered a warning to the NGSL Executive Board, “[s]tep one toe out of line, or onto Main Grounds, and the Seven will work with the hacking group ‘Anonymous’ to ensure your character and fitness tests fail due to your continued use of Trump sponsored softballs.” I’m not sure if NGSL holds January 6th as a national holiday, but based on their ball usage and sponsorship, I’ll leave that question for the audience to ponder. Furthering this threat, both the Illuminati and Skull and Bones, through the mafia, advised against going public. That leads to moles, they said, which leads to someone getting offed, and ultimately, going to jail for tax fraud. Knowing that NGSL likely doesn’t have the cleanest books, this seems like a warning to be heeded.
While there are multiple concerns to be accounted for with this IPO, the move is sure to vault NGSL up in the US News rankings for top secret societies. Let’s hope it doesn’t tank, just like the administration’s reputation following their consistent waffling on COVID protocols.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu
[1] Weird how nobody wants to donate to an exclusive, “secret” society, amirite?
[2] A lot of their dealers made NGSL sign NDA’s before agreeing to contract with them, shame.
[3] Libel did leave out the goat sacrifice that occurs yearly at the selection event for new members, mainly because the custodial staff kindly requested to not have to clean blood off the curtains in Caplin Auditorium.