Anna Bninski '23
Features Editor Emeritus
On Wednesday, March 29, Student Affairs welcomed the lovelorn to a panel titled “Welcoming Families and Partners to UVA: Part II: You Broke Up.” The event was aimed at 1Ls who have struggled to bounce back from an annual rite of passage: the winter break breakup.
However, during her introduction of the panel speakers, Assistant Dean for Student Affairs Sarah Davies ’91 went out of her way to welcome members of all classes. “While we’re all typically on a three-year schedule to get a J.D., sometimes people move at different paces, and we aim to respect each student’s individual personal and learning needs,” she told the assembled group. “If you’re a 2L or 3L who feels behind because you’ve only now broken up with your non-law partner, it’s okay to be where you are. But please don’t take out all of your feelings on the Snacket. Lobbying has been very heated, and some of the vitriol directed at Pirate’s Booty may be misdirected romantic angst. Please also bear in mind that heartbreak is not a diagnosable condition that will enable you to access class recordings.”
After passing around complimentary Cravath-branded tissue packs, Senior Assistant Dean for Career Development Kevin Donovan exhorted the gathered students to seize the moment. “I see that some of you failed to pay attention during my presentation on how to be a keeper. But don’t give up. Now that you’re free from the distraction of having a partner, you can focus on developing a personal narrative that will woo the partners who actually matter. By which I mean firm partners. Now’s the time to lean in, in the words of my friend, Sheryl.”
Other panelists also emphasized the wide world of opportunities open to recently single law students. “I mean, you should probably talk to your PAs about how they dealt with this exact situation,” said Mike Smith ’24. “Believe me, we’ve all been there. And a lot of us are ready to support you through this transition and incidentally are super hot. Incidentally. Here’s my insta. Insta-dentally, get it? I’m just kidding around. Unless…”
The token smug married student on the panel tried and failed to provide words of consolation. “All my single friends complain about the dating pool in Charlottesville, but I think they’re just pessimistic!” opined Anne Pedantia ’23. “I was dating in Charlottesville when I met my husband, who’s a doctor, and we’re sohappy. So unless the dating pool is literally one person, whom I married, which would be totally ridiculous, then my romantic success just goes to show that this town is a great place to find love! Did I mention that my husband is a doctor?” The panel was briefly disrupted as Pedantia fled the room due to jeers and a barrage of forcefully-hurled Pirate’s Booty.
Staff Psychologist Dr. Kate Gibson encouraged students to use the TimelyCare’s telehealth option in private. “Crying and gossiping in ScoCo is a time-honored tradition, but your peers may be eavesdropping and also are not licensed therapists.”
---
amb6ag@virginia.edu