Ethan Brown '25
Features Editor
Fearing a potential economic downturn this summer that could affect firm hiring, the Office of Private Practice (OPP) has unveiled a promising new program in order to ensure UVA Law maintains its amazing employment outcomes. The program, “Be Gay for the Clout,”[1] encourages 1Ls to be creative in describing their sexual orientation to prospective employers to maximize their odds of securing exclusive summer associate positions.[2]
Pictured: Assistant Dean Konovan Bringing All the Boys (And Firms) To the Yard
“Our research shows that a quick addition of ‘Lambda Law Alliance’ to a student’s resume, along with a few veiled references to a gender-neutral ‘partner,’ can be enough to get a C-student into the front door at Wachtell,” Senior Assistant Dean of Career Development Devin Konovan said. “And what’s stopping you? Just say you like Phoebe Bridgers in the ‘Interests’ section of your resume. Recruiters will do the rest of the work for you.”
OPP has already unveiled several initiatives to support the new program. All male-identifying 1Ls received a link to a comprehensive questionnaire on Symplicity identifying them as twinks, twunks, otters, bears, and the like, with detailed instructions on how to download Grindr, delete Grindr, and redownload Grindr two days later.[3] Meanwhile, all female-identifying 1Ls received a notice from Student Affairs ordering them to stop by and select a flannel and pair of Doc Martens to wear at all Law School-sponsored recruiting events.
OPP is also encouraging students to alter their voice patterns to better convey their new orientation during interviews. “To all our wannabe gay boys out there, femme it up,” Konovan said. “Sissy that walk!”
To promote OPP’s yassification regime, the Law School has also announced plans to merge the Lambda Law Alliance with SBA, now that both groups basically have domain over the entire student body. The plan rids Lambda of its current office space, which can accommodate only four students at a time—now only about 1/100th of the school’s LGBTQ+ population—and moves the organization to permanently occupy Caplin Pavilion. The administration also plans for “Camp 101” to replace Criminal Law as a three-credit 1L doctrinal class starting in the Fall 2023 semester.[4] Professor Anne Coughlin has already stepped up to instruct the course.[5] Luckily for the Law School, some of its existing infrastructure is already ready for OPP’s initiative, including its heavy focus on softball—one of the world’s gayest sports—and its homoerotic murals of hot, naked, sweaty men.
At press time, 1Ls were still frantically digesting OPP’s rainbow-colored, 5,000-word email[6]announcing the new initiative, while also making plans to break up with any heterosexual partners who no longer aligned with their “firm-facing identity.” Also at press time, all Peer Advisors were being retrained to serve as “Queer Advisors” within their 1L sections. Welcome to a brave new world, besties.
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bwjc2w@virginia.edu
[1] I’m gay!! Don’t cancel me!
[2] In all seriousness, LGBTQ+ students—especially our trans- and non-binary siblings—are still underrepresented at major law firms across the country. https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/its-gotten-better-to-be-lgbtq-in-big-law-but-struggles-remain.
[3] I genuinely can’t come up with a better approximation of what it feels like to be gay.
[4] Thankfully, some of Crim Law’s course content—like Lawrence v. Texas—can be easily carried over to the new class.
[5] An anonymous tip suggests that the course may be co-taught by Professor Craig Konnoth.
[6] “iF yOu Can’T rEaD thIs EmaIL NOw, JuSt FiLE iT aWaY foR LATeR!”