Garrett Coleman ‘25
Managing Editor
Who does not know of Caesar’s famous line: “Veni, vidi, vici”? But it is an indictment of our education system that so few know of Cicero’s corollary, which translates to: “I came, I saw, and I used a legal technicality to swindle my way into ownership.” It is the ideology of this great Roman lawyer that underpins a new organization on Grounds, the Students for Home and Yard Space That Everyone Reaps (SHYSTER). Recently, I sat down with the leaders of SHYSTER. Once my check cleared on the $2,000 consultation fee, I learned of their successful action to quiet title after a one-year period of adverse possession. The disputed property was none other than the Darden Hotel, which has now been gifted to Dean Risa Goluboff in her new capacity as Viceroy of the Dardanelles. The President of SHYSTER was happy to walk me through their groundbreaking legal strategy.
Pictured: ANG's New Lair
Photo Credits: https://www.forumhotelcharlottesville.com/, UVA Law
The first step came before ground was even broken. When the nascent SHYSTERs learned of the planned construction, they immediately recognized a problem—the statutory period would be far too long. So, they donated millions to both Glenn Youngkin and Terry McAuliffe, the competitors for Virginia’s 2021 governor’s race, asking only for the period of adverse possession to be reduced to a single year. And in an often-overlooked paragraph of Executive Order 01, Governor Youngkin did exactly that.
The next step was establishing continuous possession of the kind that would be consistent with the nature and condition of the hotel. The SHYSTERs asked themselves: What does a business school do? After much deliberation, their daily strategy took form. At 4:30 a.m., the SHYSTERs would wake up and take cold showers. After a quick workout targeting the biceps only, they would read something from Dale Carnegie. By noon, they would arrive at the Darden Hotel to begin their only class. Some days, they would make up words that gave a veneer of intelligence, like synergy. On others, they would create detailed financial plans for startups—as if anyone with enough chutzpah or creativity to start such a business would waste time by making a PowerPoint.
After reviewing the history of business schools, Judge Saul Goodman concluded that the SHYSTERs went above and beyond continuous possession. He both dismissed the ejectment claim and issued an order quieting title. The new SHYSTER Hotel will now function as a resort for legal recruiters, so long as they promise to keep OGI relevant.
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jxu6ad@virginia.edu