Stephen Foss '25
Staff Editor
Introduction
Hi there! Are you tired? Are you struggling? I hear you. I mean, I’m not feeling any of those things, but I see how a lesser person might. Heed my advice below and start becoming the best version of yourself.
Get Involved
The Law School offers plenty of opportunities for students to get involved in shaping the community in which we live. From SBA to Honor Council, Fed Soc to ACS, there’s a group for everyone. However, the Law School does not currently have any antitrust or anti-monopoly laws in place when it comes to group membership and board positions. This means that if you secure enough board positions, you could effectively control the entire student body and execute as many coups d’état as you see fit.[1] Big Law employers love those with a propensity for dictatorship.
Take Daily Supplements
Daily vitamins such as C, D, B12, and zinc can go a long way. You may also consider lining up your powdered Adderall on the kitchen counter before you go to sleep every night. Coffee is a classic go-to for an energy boost, but studies show that crack cocaine can give you the same energy, plus the confidence to tell your Torts professor, “You look like you’ve been working out.”[2]
Eat a Balanced Diet
Performance is dictated by the fuel your body runs on. You are what you eat. This is especially true for Juris Doctors.[3] That’s why Rudy Giuliani looks like a melted cinnamon roll and Professor Richard Re looks like one of the Beatles.
Trust Your Heart
The law school experience can be a lonely one. Though most law students experience the same trials and tribulations, we often choose to endure them all by ourselves. I’m here to tell you that there’s a solution—enter into a serious long-term relationship that you can subsequently sink all your free time into.
Does the lady at the ScoCo Greenberry’s call you “sweetheart,” “honey,” or even the coveted “baby”? If so, you should probably ask her out, because she’s definitely into you. Did the guy in Con Law ask you, very politely, to stop typing so damn loud? He was more than likely just looking for an excuse to talk to you. Ask him out, and do not take no for an answer.
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css7aj@virginia.edu